I do indeed love the recreation center. I have been there once this year and though I never made it up to the heavy lifting arena, I caught a glimpse from the hot tub next to the diving well when I was lounging with my pals. I do respect the people that go every day or even every other day, as I was once very in shape. But I ask that you realize that the world we live in is constantly changing. Things are not what they used to be and a revolution is happening right before our eyes. Wether you like it or not, the dad belly, the dad body and almost everything else that resembles a 47 year old man at the Daytona 500 is simply what the women want/need when they think of Spring Break 2015.
I'd like to start by granting you with a bit of culture. Looking into the mirror can either be a blessing or a curse, much like an unwanted baby, or even the death of a mother in law. HOWEVER, this does not have to be the case. It is once you find it within yourself to let go, when you really start to appreciate your hard work and want to show it off. For in this life, one of the best feelings in the world is getting your braces off. There are only two feelings that top that. One of them is rollerblading, and the other is being able to rest a cold one on your belly, with your jorts on, in 76 degree weather, watching high 6's and low 7's jump on the trampoline across the street. It is when you are in that element that you have truly learned to let go. And don't think for a second that it goes un-noticed, because at that exact second, those high 5's and low 6's across the street are using what I like to call the “peripherals".
The “peripherals" are a function of the body that allows a full range of viewing power, going completely un-noticed by the target. Because at that moment in time, theres a 68% chance that they too have mastered the art of peripherals and they're most likely thinking, “this guy works for the city, and he's probably got some sort of aggressive animal somewhere in that house... and I'm wantin' to see it." Speaking of aggressive animals, In order to get a feel for the skill, you should notice this picture of a lion.
HOWEVER, looks can indeed be deceiving. At first, your eyes may be fooled into thinking this is indeed the king of a jungle... but do not be fooled. After a second look, if you use your brain, your mind and your “peripherals," it is obvious that it is actually Dog the Bounty Hunter, Hawaii native that pursues a diverse group of fugitives.
All things considered, once you have achieved the ability to let go of all social aspects of health, your life will be substantially better than it has ever been. Soon after that, you will start receiving what we like to refer to as “the look" from all girls. In 5th grade if your hair was a borderline maverick and was anything close to surf-able, you received the look. In 8th grade, if you popped that collar and didn't look back, with an arm full of baller bands, you received the look from many-a-thot. Now, if you look like beach goers might randomly hit you if you wear a beach ball colored swim shirt, you will certainly receive the look.
No longer is a six pack the epitome of an attractive male counterpart. No longer is skipping leg day even remotely close to a bad thing. Speaking of remotes, if you go a whole day without even moving your legs and only navigating the remote, you're starting to understand. If you're torso resembles a Tempurpedic pillow when you're basking on the beach, you're going to turn some serious heads, and those heads will find their way to that pillow within the hour. This is a perfect example of “the look", and while my man Simon may look surprised by the woman to his right, rest assured he was only stunned by the flash of the camera. Trust me, I was there, as were multiple witness'.
Also, let it be known, this guy gets it 100%. If you ever for some reason come into contact with this man, you should jot down a couple notes. If things go well, maybe even ask him if he will be your new Dad.
Now that you are adequately informed of a flawless plan to an unforgettable Spring Break experience, it's time to get in shape and execute. Listed below are some of my favorite exercises that will help you achieve your goal as time is not only of the essence, but also limited.
1. Wendy's Baconator superset with 12 oz. Natty Light and curly fries
2. Wendy's Son of Baconator with Strawberry Banana Sobe and BBQ Lays
3. (New!) Mcdonalds triple cheeseburger (add mac sauce) with a side of a McChicken and a Large Coke
4. Arby's Beef and Cheddar Max with curly fries and tall boy Coor's light
5. Large Papa John's Meat Lovers with 2 liter of dark soda
6. 5 episodes entourage with Taco Bell Meal Deal D and a Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
7. Supersonic Cheeseburger superset with cheesy chili tots and Route 44 Ocean Water
These workouts along with many others will ensure that you experience the Spring Break that you have always wanted. When in doubt, always super size and don't be afraid to bring supplements with you. Bust a couple McChicken's out in your Econ class this week and watch the amount of heads that roll.
No matter where you go for Spring Break, the women will be thirsty. An 8 oz orange juice will simply not quench that thirst. A 44 oz. Mountain Dew Code Red will.
I wish a great Spring Break to all, and I hope this seminar has been extremely helpful.
Your friend,
John
