Their dull, concave heads scratch at the chalkboard of my soul. I prefer forks, and I am not afraid to tell the world. I feel like this is a controversial topic that people are truly afraid to discuss. Well, I’m bringing it to the forefront. The world’s eyes need to be opened to the reality of spoons.

I believe my disdain for the utensil began at the multitude of birthday parties I attended as a girl. The host (aka mom) is preparing to serve the sugary square of goodness that was just sprinkled with the birthday kid’s wish and DNA. And of course, it wouldn’t be an American birthday party without a dessert for your dessert--ice cream. I suppose ice cream and cake are supposed to go together, but why would that make sense? Anyway, the mom plops the cake down on the brightly colored little plates. She scoops you some ice cream on the side, even if you do not wish for any and believe that cake in itself is good on its own, and then…She gives you a spoon. A SPOON.

Now there are two things wrong with this picture. First of all, giving your guest, who is preparing to devour these birthday treats, a spoon is blatantly biased towards the ice cream. When given the chance to eat, say, another celebratory cake (see: “wedding cake”), do you ever pick up a spoon from the assorted cutlery? No. You get a fork.

Second of all, spoons are the gallbladder of the cutlery world. They are almost useless. Now, I will disclose that they can be used for some near liquid forms of foods such as soups, cereal, and yogurt (and spaghetti if you know how to do that thing). Sure, they can scoop up some ice cream, but they do not serve you that cake in the proper manner.

Here’s a visual image for you: You go to a pricey steakhouse and get yourself a nice 12-ounce ribeye (or delicious smoked salmon for people like me), sided with a baked potato and green beans. The waiter, who is all smiles about serving your delicious meal, brings out your plate balanced on his right forearm. He sets the steamy goodness in front of you; you’ve been salivating since you saw him walk out of the kitchen. You place a napkin on your lap, say grace, and reach for your silverware to begin digging in. To your surprise and horror, you see that your table setting has been placed with only spoons. You try to cut your steak or salmon, only to see the spoon slip across the top. Your green beans are falling all over the place; you end up delivering one into your mouth with each scoop. It just doesn't feel right, eating that baked potato in that imbalanced piece of metal.

My friends, a world where spoons are so highly regarded is a world I never want to live in. And you can argue with me all day about the things that spoons are used to put into your mouth, but you cannot tell me that soup is your favorite food in the entire world. WHOSE FAVORITE FOOD IS SOUP? People love sushi, Chinese food, hamburgers, salad, baked Alaska etc. All of these would be five times more difficult to eat with a spoon. Spoons are dumb.

So the next time you set the table, I want you to think about the utensils you will be putting down. Think about the little children at the birthday parties that are forced to eat their cake with a spoon. Choose wisely.