About six or so years ago, I was scrolling through Tumblr and came across a picture of Penn Badgley with the caption “I can’t believe he’s Gossip Girl.” Now, at the time I did not watch Gossip Girl and had no intention to, but two and a half years later I found myself binge watching it like there was no tomorrow.

Yet, when I was watching it, I knew in the back of my mind that Dan was Gossip Girl, all thanks to that Tumblr post. This started off my obsession with knowing the endings of shows before I actually reached the end. It’s like a curse, really.

I now cannot watch anything without immediately getting on the Internet and searching all possible things about the show. This obviously doesn’t work for watching things in real time television, but who does that anymore anyway?

When I watched One Tree Hill, I knew who would break up, who would die, and who would get married within the first few episodes, I even learned things about characters that weren’t even introduced in the show yet. When I watched The Office, I knew all about Jim and Pam before there was a Jim and Pam. When I watch Greys Anatomy on Hulu the week after the episode comes out on live television, I have already looked up everything that is going to happen in the episode. I cannot stop doing this and sometimes I wish I could.

I am impatient and curious when it comes to television, and have this burning urge to know everything I can as soon as I can. The funny thing is that I only do this with television shows, not movies or books. I will never read the end of a book before I actually get there. Surprisingly, this doesn’t ruin the shows for me, it actually gives me something to really look forward to and to see how the directors and actors play out these things that I already know but have yet to see.

And now, with the Gilmore Girls Revival, who endlessly promoted the idea to not spoil the last four words of the show to anyone, I Googled the last four words while I was watching the first episode. Technically I didn’t break the Gilmore Girls code because I spoiled it to myself and no one else, but still. I told myself I wouldn’t do it, and that I would let myself be surprised in the ending, but I just could not do it. And you know what, it didn’t ruin anything for me. I still laughed, cried, and yelled at my screen the same way I would have if I didn’t know how things were going to pan out.

To be fair, I did contemplate this decision, and weighed the pros and cons before doing so, but the urge won. Watching all four episodes, I knew how my favorite television series would end, but I didn’t know how it was going to play out. When other people find out that I do this, they tell me I’m ridiculous and don’t get it, and frankly I agree with them.

I don’t mind or have anything against surprises in real life, I just can’t seem to wait until the end to learn the end. I’m sure some will say that this is such a millennial characteristic, but oh well, I am a millennial.

I probably will continue spoiling shows for myself my whole life, and I’ve come to terms with that. If my only bad habit is spoiling shows to myself, I’d say I’m living a pretty OK life.