I'm not saying I want to be my dog, but sometimes I want to be my dog. There are some perks of being a pampered pooch that you just can't deny.
The square footage of their bathroom.
Ever been frustrated at sharing a small bathroom with your sibling or roommate? Not your dog. Their bathroom is huge, and they never have to clean it! It's so huge, they have hundreds of toilets they can choose from. How many do you have? One. Lame.
No pants time, all the time.
Dogs are real-life Squidwards! They'll never know the pain of a too-tight waistband after a meal. They'll never have to worry about laundry or what they'll wear to a special event. What are they wearing? The same old thing as last time, of course. They looked fabulous.
No worrying about special events, period.
No business dinners. No graduation parties. No double-checking addresses for Christmas cards. Oh, and when their brother Max knocked up a cute little poodle during his vacation in France? They don't have to hear Aunt Linda complain about how she really doesn't deserve a puppy shower, anyway. I mean, they're just supposed to pretend she's a part of the litter now? Not to mention, they'll never accidentally buy the puppy the same squeaky toy as Cousin Daisy. Drama avoided!
They’re cute, but you’re lazy.
I mean, of course, dogs are cute. But why is it when they nap 12 times a day it's adorable, but when you do it you're being lazy? It's perfectly fine for them to spend their day lying around, eating and beating up a stuffed animal, but when you do it, there's something "wrong" with you. And why don't you get a job?
They’re never too old for toys.
They'll never experience that first soul-crushing Christmas where Grandma decides they're old enough for a practical gift, like socks or a new leash. Alas, they wanted the BaconBall 2000.
They get more dates than you.
Have you ever swiped right on Tinder just for the dog? Mmmhm. Thought so. Plus, how often do you get stopped on the street so a stranger can tell you how cute you are? How they wish they could rub your belly and take you home with them? Face it, you might as well just make an online profile for them, call it quits and live vicariously through the attention and affection they receive. Just accept you'll be forever alone (minus your canine best friend, of course!).
They deserve all this, though, because they give you more love than you could ever give them. And remember, the universe has a way of balancing things out. You can enjoy chocolate, and they can't!
