I grew up going to church, going to Sunday day school. When my grandparents were in town we would all go to church together. To this day I couldn't tell you jack shit about what I learned in church.
I think I was about 8-years-old when I started to notice that my dad didn't go to church with us anymore. It was at that point my mom started asking my brother and I if we wanted to go to church, she gave us the option at a young age to decide what part we wanted to play in our own faith.
Naturally, Nate and I decided we would rather go to our soccer games or swim meets on the weekends instead of going to church.
My extended family is very religious, my mom's side is Catholic and they are active in their churches. My dad's sister's family is also very religious. I grew up feeling more like the black sheep because of my views and my ideals.
My battle with religion began when my aunt died when I was 12 years old.
I was so angry.
I was so angry that some higher power above me took away the purest person I had ever met.
There are days that I am still angry.
Once I got older it was easier to accept. But, I still never got back into religion. I couldn't get myself to sit in the same spot every Sunday and have someone tell me how to think or why things were the way they were.
It just brought back memories of being angry.
I just pushed religion as far under the rug I could.
It wasn't until last summer when I began writing and starting to really interpret the lyrics to some of my favorite songs that I came across a lyric that read "I'm spiritual, not religious." and that hit me pretty close to home.
It led me to do more research about what that meant.
I found out that historically, spiritual and religious used to be synonymous but have recently separated. Spiritual has been associated with the interior life of an individual; placing well being on the "mind-body-soul."
It became clearer and clearer that that is exactly how I felt. I was happier and more content when I surrounded myself with people who were positive, had genuine souls, made me feel like sunshine.
Later on, I realized that I started to kinda see an aura.
Which before you get skeptical, it's not like seeing dead people.
It's more so just looking at someone you have gotten to know and seeing a glow around them. I see it when people I care about talk about something they are passionate about or when they are doing something they love.
That's the sunshine.
What I have learned in my short 21-years of life is, everything is open to interpretation. Nothing is black and white. And you are free to express it whichever way makes you feel whole.
I feel whole when I think that my aunt left this physical earth because somewhere else was in need of her sunshine.
Whether that be heaven or another place.
I know that she is sunlight I see when it's cloudy, or the last cup of coffee left in the morning, or when my favorite song comes on the radio right before I get to my destination.
"Even on a cloudy day, I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"
