As the holiday started to wind down and Christmas spirit was settling, the anxiety of New Year's Eve was upon us. A few of my friends asked me what I was doing and as usual I answered with "nothing". I have always loved going somewhere or being with a special someone on NYE. Usually my parents let the kids have friends over and we all have a little party together, or I go to a friends or a party or wherever. New Year's Eve is a big deal, it's a time of celebrating the coming of the new year! But this year I didn't want to be in the company of others. I had spent the two previous New Year's with people who no longer are in my life, so I decided that it would be best to bring in the New Year with myself.
I'm tired of thinking I need to do certain things just because that's what others are doing. I don't need to go out and party because everyone else does. I don't need a New Year's kiss, I don't need to countdown with a big group of people, I don't need to be anything but myself. I've been struggling with knowing myself, and spending the New Year alone taught me a few things that I've been seeking answers for.
1. I have depression but I need to stop using it as an excuse to be sad all the time. I know that sometimes I can't help the feeling, but for too long I've been wallowing in self pity and hating myself for reasons I cannot change. I'm done with that.
2. If I want to be successful in everything I do it's up to me to motivate myself. This is my life and to be the best me, I have to be the best me. It's as simple as that.
3. My life isn't anybody else's. I came to realize that I was given this life, this exact life with these certain circumstances. Instead of comparing myself to everyone else I have to remember that they have their own lives with their own circumstances.
4. Apologies aren't as important as everyone thinks they are. I always see tweets that say, "Sometimes you have to accept an apology you never received" and I used to be like oh yes so relatable, but then I got to thinking...is an apology really that important? No, I don't need an apology from people that have hurt me; Instead we can just be grateful for the good times and forget the bad ones.
5. Last, but most definitely not least, I am worthy. As I was cleaning my room around 10 p.m on NYE I found an old journal of mine which I flipped through. I always dated my entries and these went back to 2014. Since I was 17 years old I have thought ugly thoughts about myself. I read every single page and when I was finished I threw that journal away. If I hadn't spent NYE alone and cleaning my room I would probably have kept thinking ugly thoughts. That journal opened my eyes, I have been in a bad place for far too long and it's time for me to turn that frown upside down. I am worthy.
