When I was 19, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and Panic Disorder. When I was 20, I started seeing a psychiatrist regularly. When I was 21, I was admitted into Sheppard Pratt Psychiatric Hospital for eight days.

The 2F unit, the Young Adult Unit, was bright with lots of windows, art on the walls, and pleasant workers. There were strict rules, from where to sit, to when to eat. We could only have coffee between 10 a.m. and noon.

Below is my recount of the experience through diary entries recorded while inpatient. All names and identities have been changed for safety reasons.

Day One: Admittance; March 12, 2018

Today I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

Today I feel sad and scared and alone.

I have my own room. It’s small but I have my own bathroom.

Today I spoke to Leo, Elias, and Mom & Dad.

Mom & Dad came to visit. They brought me toiletries, goldfish crackers, and a candy bar.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen with school. I want to graduate in May.

I’m trying to focus on getting better rather than school or work.

Day Two: Full Day; March 13, 2018

Today was hard. I didn’t get to see my doctor until much later in the day, which caused three anxiety attacks.

There are two new people today. Jodi and Benham. They both only want to talk about drugs and sex. It makes me anxious and very uncomfortable.

Rory left today and I got transferred into Lana’s room. We are sharing a bathroom and dresser, which scares me.

I spoke to James, the therapist, about Jodi and Benham, and he said he would try to talk to them about their topics of choice.

I had to take a Xanax because I was so anxious and shaky.

Dr. Doyle was very kind and thorough which Mom would have liked.

Speaking of, Mom & Dad are bringing me Wawa for dinner, which will be great compared to the hospital food I’ve had to survive on.
I went to all groups today even though I missed part of the 2nd one (speaking to the Dr.)

I’m trying to focus on the good to cope with the anxiety. I don’t so much feel depressed as I do anxious today.

I might take a nap.

I should take a shower.

Day 3: Episode; March 14, 2018

Today has been better than yesterday, but only just. I found out I’m basically stuck with Lana until a single room opens up, which isn’t likely. Lana is really sweet but my trauma stems from roommates. It doesn’t seem to be productive to my recovery.

I had to take trazadone last night to go to sleep, which sucked. Today I feel so groggy.

I went to both groups today but the second one felt like a waste of time.

I wish I hadn’t missed the group on Mindfulness on Monday.

I finally took a shower and put on clean clothes.

Ana and Talia are both leaving today. Even though this is only my 3rd day, I’m really jealous they get to go home.

I had a different doctor today; a woman. She didn’t talk to me as much as Dr. Doyle did but it is what it is.

Kelly had a meltdown this morning. She saw and heard things we could not. She screamed bloody murder and then fainted into a seizure in a chair in the TV room.

That was really scary to see, especially after her meltdown yesterday. Kelly is super nice and we’ve talked a bit. I’m ashamed that she scares me.

Jodi hasn’t said (I just remembered) said something that upset me at breakfast. She said she was hiding drugs in her room. I seriously doubt this because of the safety searches, but I had to separate myself from her. I’m afraid she knows I talked to James about her and now she’s purposely saying things to make me uncomfortable.

I’ve decided I definitely like Matthew better than John. I can’t really pin-point why, but I do.

I talked to Leo today. He went to the gym and did the dishes. That made me happy.

11:15 Group today was about Recovery and having a strong support system. Mandy, a woman with a traumatic brain injury, lead the group. It was so inspiring.

I asked Kayla about meeting with the social worker. She said she’d look into it.

Both of my eyebrow tails are gone. I can’t stop pulling.

One of my biggest triggers is feeling trapped. The fact that I have no idea when I’m getting out of here is producing more anxiety than what I came in with.

Day 4: Settling; March 15, 2018

Today was an okay day. Definitely better than yesterday.

I took a nap. It was too much sleep.

I had to get up and leave group today at 11:15 because of Benham and Jodi, but I got all the info from James. He’s really great.

Sophia and I exchanged Facebook’s for when we get out. I hope the same for me and Katherine.

Leo is meant to come visit me tonight with Dad.

Day 5: Born This Way; March 16, 2018

Today in group we sang karaoke. I sang three times and was so nervous I was trembling. First I sang a Taylor Swift song, then Katherine and I sang a song from High School Musical, and then I sang Born This Way by Lady Gaga. I got a lot of hoots and hollers for that one.

I think we needed to be reminded that we are all special and important and it's okay to be exactly who we are.

Day 6: Hallucination; March 17, 2018

I didn’t journal yesterday mostly because I forgot. Nothing really happened. Katherine got moved into my room, which is awesome. Sophia and Lana both left yesterday, which was hard to watch. I want to go home so bad and see Rudy.

Last night I hallucinated for the first time. I kept hearing a doorbell. But no one else could. Not Katherine, or the 3 nurses I asked to my room.

I’m scared they won’t let me go home on Monday now. Lucy (one of the nurses) said it was likely just a side effect of my medicine but I’m not so sure.

It’s really scary hearing something no one else can hear. I know how Kelly feels now. Obviously not as much but it was invalidating. One nurse said she did hear it faintly but I think she was just trying to make me feel better.

I want to write a slam poem today but I’m not very good at it. Maybe I’ll give it a try.

I made SE! That means I got to go on a walk last night. Sam (one of the nursing assistants) took us and let us step outside. It was windy but it felt so good to breathe non-hospital air.

Today is Saturday, which means all of the regular staff I like are gone for the weekend. Which really sucks. I felt comfortable with Steph and Freddie and James and John...and now there’s new staff that I don’t know and don’t know me.

Ms. T lead Goals Group today and offended Paris. She got upset about leggings and the fact that she’s really short(?) I don’t even know but it was really uncomfortable.

I don’t want to go to group today but I know I should

Mom told me that Mallory thinks this is her fault. That basically broke my heart in half.

Benham, Jodi, and Joshua are getting on my nerves. It’s like they think this is all a game. I’m trying to get better, dammit.

I feel very agitated right now. I didn’t sleep very well.

Maybe I’ll write more later.

Day 7: Visions; March 18, 2018

Today we made vision boards in Group. Mine turned out great and I’m going to hang it on the fridge at home.

Tomorrow I get to go home with Mom & Dad. Tuesday I start at the Day Hospital program. I will definitely keep track of my experience there.

I’m considering writing an extended essay about being here but I’m not sure if that’s a HIPPA violation or not.

Grandma is driving all the way up here just to see me. I could cry. I love her so much.

Day 8: Elation; March 19, 2018

Today I'm going home. Saying goodbye to Katherine has been the hardest thing so far. But we are going to stay in touch outside. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed and take a shower.