Dear Ex-Facebook Friend,
I’m sorry I unfriended you on your birthday. I know you probably won’t be reading this now that we are no longer Facebook friends and I’m not constantly sharing Odyssey articles to your newsfeed, but I feel as though I owe you an explanation.
You know, life is a very funny thing. Some people come into your life for a reason, others for a season. Unfortunately, you were the latter of the two.
I just want you to know that my decision to unfriend you wasn’t personal or anything. I mean, sure, it was a little harsh of me to do it on your birthday of all days, but I can explain.
You see, every day, I get a notification from Facebook alerting me of whose birthday it is. I can see all of the names of those celebrating their birthday in the upper right-hand corner of my Facebook newsfeed, right beside of a small red icon of what looks to be a birthday present. If you click on the red present icon, a box will pop up that will allow me to wish everyone a Happy Birthday all at once if I wanted to. It’s so easy to wish everyone a Happy Birthday. Yet, instead of using this convenient tool to be a decent person and wish everyone a Happy Birthday, I am a monster and unfriend a lot of people on their birthday.
Why, do I do this? Well, there a three types of Facebook friends celebrating their birthday:
1. The first is the friend who you actually like and keep up with. You wish them a Happy Birthday because, according to the golden rule of treating others the way you’d like to be treated, you’d want them to wish you a Happy Birthday on your birthday.
2. The second is someone who you are Facebook friends with but aren’t close enough to actually wish them a Happy Birthday. Sure, you may stalk them every once in a while, but you don’t actually talk to them. You might even hate this person. However, you don’t unfriend the second type of person because you may want to see what they are up to in the future, so they are safe for now.
3. The third is someone like you, Ex-Facebook friend, whose name I can’t associate with a face or memory in time because I have zero recollection adding you as a friend in the first place. I mean, 2008-me would be thrilled to have as many Facebook friends as I do now, but now, when I see it is your birthday on Facebook, I question why I’m even friends with people like you. I’m not calling you a bad person. I’m sure you’re a wonderful soul. I just don’t know you and I can’t think of a reason to keep you as a Facebook friend. And if I don't delete you now, I'll forget about it and every time you post a status and picture of your life, I'll just wonder who you are again and again until I unfriend once and for all. So, I just go ahead and do it on your birthday while I still remember.
Look, I did not unfriend you because you are an annoying online presence—that’s what the unfollow button is for. In fact, I really do wish you have a Happy Birthday for the rest of your birthdays. I just don’t know how to tell a stranger on Facebook Happy Birthday.
Again, I’m sorry. But I hope we can be real friends one day. Just not today.
Your Ex-Facebook Friend Who Unfriended You On Your Birthday
P.S. I’m honestly surprised you didn’t unfriend me first. Between Dance Marathon and Odyssey, I'm always posting on Facebook. In fact, some of my classmates from high school have already unfriended me and I still see them out all of the time. So, I guess I owe you a thanks for not unfriending me. Sorry I did it, though.