The first time you say, “Sorry…” is for me. Every time after that is for yourself. Apologies can be difficult because no one wants to admit that they were wrong or hurt a person. The thing is, though, that giving a thoughtless apology is worse than not giving one at all. Worse than that is the line, “I’m sorry you felt like blah blah blah.” It takes the blame off of yourself and places it on the person who was hurt in some way by you. Realize that your actions can adversely affect a person and cause them to feel something other than happy. Yes, we choose let situations affect us or not, but part of being human is occasionally not being able to control all of our complex emotions.
Guess what? Validating yourself isn’t an apology. Simply saying, “Sorry” isn’t an apology. If I fill my mug up with coffee and smash it on the floor, look at it and say, “Sorry” it doesn’t put the mug back together again; it doesn’t clean up the mess of coffee. It doesn’t do anything except make me think that I apologized. Same scenario: saying, “Sorry you feel like I threw you on the floor, broke you, and made a mess” still does nothing but validate myself into thinking that I did nothing wrong because the mug felt something that I didn’t intend for it to feel based off of my actions.
Accepting responsibility is a massive part of a well thought out apology. I would say remorse should be the first part of an apology, but without accepting said responsibility that you owe someone an apology in the first place, there can be no remorse.
There is no greater way to explain the perfect apology than to reference Randy Pausch, and his book The Last Lecture. Let me give you some history here. This book was an assigned reading during my senior year by the most amazing teacher, Mrs. Taylor (shout-out Marshfield High School.) Not only was this my favorite book that I “had” to read in school, it changed my life. Pausch found out that he was dying and decided to write a book about several of his life experiences. I don’t want to make it sound like a self-help or advice book, but what I found were several ways to improve my life from his words. He writes in such a way that makes you see life in a new light and want to be better. I highly encourage all of you to read it! It’s a quick and easy read, and I believe it will change your outlook on life.
Back to the apology. In his book, Pausch writes about how to give a “Real Apology.” It’s a three step process, and it’s truly the only compassionate and caring way to give an apology. Here are his said steps quoted from The Last Lecture:
1. I’m sorry.
It’s the setup – it is the introduction to the healing.
2. It is my fault
The person is taking FULL responsibility – not indicating, for instance that if they had not yelled, then you would not have hit me or said that “I made you do it” or that you weren’t feeling well or that you had a hard day and that’s why you stormed out or didn’t call me on my birthday.
3. What can I do to make it up to you? – the amends
This can be little, like “you can take the dog out next” or “rub my shoulders for 15 minutes.” It could be something huge like “please don’t ever do it again” or “learn to trust me more” or “go to marriage counseling with me.”
It’s that simple. Now you know how to both give a “Real Apology” and what receiving a “Real Apology” should look like. There is nothing wrong with telling someone that while you appreciate them saying, “sorry” that it wasn’t a “Real Apology.” Then you can educate them and move forward together.
Always be kind. Always be compassionate. Always be willing to apologize. Always be willing to forgive.
