There are a few words in the English language that are heavy with meaning and ought to be used less frequently. Person to person there may be some interchangeable ones, but the few that many people would agree on seem to be emotionally driven. Of course, we have love and its counterpart, hate. Then there is one word that some of us say too much and others not enough. A word that is intended as an apology but may start to lose meaning after some time. A word that I personally mutter multiple times a day and rarely ever hear in return. A word that is also the name of a board game I can never seem to win: Sorry.
I have always been quick to say sorry for any situation. Sorry for bumping into you. Sorry for asking if I could pet your dog. Sorry for sending you this email after you left the office (before the end of the day, nonetheless). Sorry this and sorry that is just part of who I am. Somewhere along the way I began to say it because a few toxic people I held close to me had led me to believe I was always a step behind and naive to the situation at hand. I was constantly making mistakes and could never seem to do anything well enough. So, I was sorry.
There is nothing wrong with being apologetic. I thought of this as a positive character trait for a good portion of my late adolescent years. If I could say sorry with such ease, I must be understanding and accepting of my own flaws and faults; I was a good person and a good friend. Until one day I wasn't. I started to break and could no longer validate a reason to apologize to certain people. It may have taken me five years, but I realized that I had no reason to be sorry. And so I promised myself that I would only apologize if I could tell the other person exactly what it was I was apologizing for. I am absolutely not sorry for deciding to live my life in a way that allows my happiness to take center stage after a few years hiding away as a supporting character.
So, here I am, a real live adult in the working world and doing adult things in my spare time and life is pretty great. Now more than ever I am pleased that I can stand my ground and not apologize for something trivial. But then something flipped my switch, and I apologized for something that I never thought I would need to; I apologized and felt shameful for following my instinct and doing what I've always been taught to do. I refused to drive a car home from a work function because I had been drinking and felt uncomfortable. And I was made to feel sorry.
At this point in life I am very much okay with feeling guilty if my words or actions deserve so. But for not wanting to drive a car because I’ve been drinking? Am I the only one who sees an issue here? Apparently, as the conversation that followed about who ought to drive the second car back home (an hour away) it seemed that some people were not happy that I felt unsafe to play the role of driver. After the two cars were figured out I sat in the back seat and was quiet for the entire ride. During the ride I felt embarrassed for saying that I did not believe me driving was a good idea, and now thinking back I am quite upset that I felt so bad. While I no longer feel bad for canceling plans to get a drink with a friend after a long work day when I know I need to run errands, I felt bad for making a smart and safe choice.
I guess what I am getting at here is that sometimes we feel things that are unnecessary once our common sense kicks in. While I could elaborate about the situation I had found myself in, I simply want to focus on why I felt sorry even though I should have been anything but sorry. Most of us know the saying that sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. My addition to that would be if it’s a hard choice then it’s probably the right one. Easy choices are great when it’s for something small like ketchup on your fries or off to the side. But when it comes to being safe in any sense of the word, the choice that you may not want to admit is the one you should probably be going with. Hopefully when you find yourself in a bit of a pickle that requires a tough decision, because I know you’ll have plenty over the years to come, that you have the strength to do what your heart knows your should and that above all you are sure as hell anything other than sorry.
