Depression makes doing ordinary things a little bit harder. Depression is the voice whispering in your ear not to get out of bed because there’s no point anyway. Depression tells you that you are alone. Depression is that friend stays with you when you’ve pushed everyone else away. You won’t always recognize depression; it has many different faces.
Looking back now, I realize that the first time I met depression was when I was fourteen years old. I didn’t know what was happening to me. I didn’t leave my room, I slept all day, I would cry all night. I didn’t understand why other people my age didn’t seem to feel like there was an impending doom. That they could make plans for their future, but I couldn’t think of what I really wanted in life. I would cry when asked what I wanted to do with my life because I didn’t plan on being alive long enough to graduate high school. I never told anybody this, and not being able to talk about the scary depths of my mind made it hard to talk at all.
People have told me that when they met me that I seem withdrawn. I am a prisoner to my own mind. Which makes it hard for me to talk to people, I don’t know what to say, or how to act. My depression weighs me down, sucks the life out of me. Takes away all my emotions and replaces them with numbness. So when someone tells a joke it’s difficult to laugh because I can’t feel happiness. When I’m out with a group of people I don’t know very well, I don’t know what to say. “What do normal people talk about?” I ask myself.
I feel lonely, I feel unwanted. When someone does ask to hangout I’ll say no because the idea of trying to actively engage and connect with someone else feels impossible when I can’t even connect with myself. I sit with my depression at a party, at the dinner table, and it begs me to leave. Depression loves to be alone with me because it wants to have my full attention. Everyday I struggle to separate my depression from myself. It’s hard to understand why I can’t feel the same level of happiness as other people. It’s hard to shrug the nagging thoughts that I’m a failure, that nobody likes me, that I could just leave class and go home.
It’s hard to be at college. College is all about being social whether its study groups, clubs, or parties; you are never alone. This doesn’t mean you don’t feel alone. Leaving a party early or not going to a club meeting doesn’t go unnoticed. How do you explain that you didn’t go because you couldn’t muster the energy to be a person today? It’s much easier not to explain at all, to shrink into yourself and ignore the buzz of social activity around you.
Sometimes it’s really hard to talk to people. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to. I love listening to people tell stories, I love to make sarcastic comments, I enjoy going out with my friends like any other college student. No matter where I am or what I’m doing I have to fight the voice in my head telling me to go home. My depression is both my closest friend and my worst enemy. It takes a lot of energy for me to go through an average day. I need to motivate myself to say offhand comments. It’s not impossible to be social and have depression. In fact, you may know several people with depression and not know it at all.
If you have a friend with depression, I encourage you to reach out to them. Don’t let them isolate themselves, show them you care. If you’re like me, and are that friend who has depression; I encourage you not to give up. It might not always feel like life has a purpose but that’s ok. Get out of bed anyway, you will feel better. Depression can not be fixed with tea, or with a hug but both of those things treat depression. Don’t give up on your friends and don’t give up on yourself.
