To my ex boyfriend,

   It's been a while since we talked-and for longer than an hour. I am writing this to tell you that I miss you. Even though we are no longer together, I cannot help but think about everything that made our relationship unique. That made me miss you more than I have ever missed someone before. I still feel guilty about quitting on us. I have even felt like I cheated on you when I went on dates with other guys. But, I am thankful for experiencing this season because that means you are still influencing my life, and because of that I feel like I have become a better person. 

   You taught me what it is like to trust someone. To let me let go and love someone. To aim higher. To want more in my life. I learned what it is like to apologize consistently, and forgive always. I learned that what I actually want in my life was to be married and to have children- that dream has not disappeared, but it has only become a stronger. I have learned that there are men who do care, who can love me, who make me laugh, who love Jesus with their whole being. 

   Because of  you I grew accustomed to laughing everyday, to sending and receiving text messages (since I highly hate texting), to loving someone that was not family, to dreaming of what my life would be like with you. I no longer get to text you randomly asking how your day is going, or how your family is. I no longer get to come over and play with your dog, or watch as you did something you were passionate about. I no longer get to hold your hand when I get nervous. I no longer get to hug you when I am excited. I no longer attend church with you. I can no longer envision our future together. 

   I still look forward to get an unexpected text from you. To catching up at your favorite restaurant. To talk about our dreams, our goals, our aspirations, our joys, our frustrations, our stresses, our callings, and our lives. I pray for you everyday. I have since the day you asked for my phone number. I started praying harder for you when we broke up. Eleven months later marks seeing and talking to you again. That also marks praying for you even harder than what I had before. Four months later and I still wonder why I feel such conviction when I think about moving on; when I think about dating someone else, God says no. God will then show me what it means to wait for you. He reminds me that His plan  is far greater than my impatience. 

   So here's to everything we shared. To the late night walks in Downtown. To going to the park every week, and eating chicken probably twice a week together. To making cookies together, carving pumpkins, shopping, praying for each other, supporting each other, and laughing together. Here is to all the times we said we would never hurt each other. To the countless hours we held hands, the hours we spent with each other's family, and the others we talked to each other. To the fights we got into about sports teams and whose music taste was better. But here is to breaking each other's heart, it wasn't purposeful and I didn't want to. But we both have grown up, and in so many different ways. 

Thank you for showing me what it is to love, and love hard.