That 'Picture Perfect' Instagram Couple You Love Might Be Filtering Out An Abusive Relationship

That 'Picture Perfect' Instagram Couple You Love Might Be Filtering Out An Abusive Relationship

How many times have you scrolled past a picture thinking, "Wow, they're so cute" only to find out months later what was really happening in the relationship?

469
views
"The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: "He's mean." But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: "He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way." But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: "Leave him." But she knows it won't be that easy. He will promise to change. He'll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He'll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he'll be all right. And, depending on what style of abuser he is, she may know that he will become dangerous when she tries to leave him. She may even be concerned that he will try to take her children away from her, as some abusers do." ― Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"

How many times have you excused behaviors and words of another person? How many times have you tried to reason what has happened or is happening in your relationship? How many times have you blamed yourself? How many times have others become worried about you? How many times have you been afraid to speak about what has happened or is happening in your relationship? How many times have you felt trapped, upset, angry, emotional over what has happened or is happening in your relationship? How many times have you talked yourself out of calling words or actions abusive?

The Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness defines relationship abuse as, "...a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation."

The National Domestic Violence Hotline website breaks down each type of abuse in easier ways to spot them. I will describe a few common ones on their website. Physical abuse can be the following: pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you, forbidding you from eating or sleeping, hurting you with weapons, preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention, harming your children, abandoning you in unfamiliar places, driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them and forcing you to use drugs or alcohol.

Emotional abuse is as follows: calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you, refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive, trying to isolate you from family or friends, monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with, demanding to know where you are every minute, trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving, using weapons to threaten to hurt you, punishing you by withholding affection, threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets, damaging your property when they're angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.), humiliating you in any way, blaming you for the abuse, accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships, serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior, cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again, cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are, attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc., and telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them.

Digital Abuse can be the following: tells you who you can or can't be friends with on Facebook and other sites, sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails, Facebook messages, tweets, DMs or other messages online, uses sites like Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare and others to keep constant tabs on you, puts you down in their status updates, sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and demands you send some in return, pressures you to send explicit videos, steals or insists on being given your passwords, constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can't be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished, looks through your phone frequently, checks up on your pictures, texts and outgoing calls, tags you unkindly in pictures on Instagram, Tumblr, etc., and uses any kind of technology to monitor you.

I'm writing this article not to point fingers at anyone who has or is an abusive relationship. My goal is not to call out people and name drop. My goal is to raise awareness that relationship abuse is very real. It's a nasty thing that is not easy to talk about. It's uncomfortable and a lot of people do not know how to speak up or out about it.

You are not an object. You are not an extension of anyone. Stop making excuses and get out. I beg you to leave at the first red flag because things will not get better no matter how much they swear they will change or how much you think you can fix things.

"Women may come to the recovery process to "fix" their relationships, but what they end up learning is how to rescue and restore themselves. Many women believe, and you may too, that they need to speak and act differently so their partner behaves more favorably toward them. If your partner blames you for what "you made him do to you," over time you will end up blaming yourself. Your task is to realize that you are not responsible for his abusive behavior. Women tend to work hard to avoid being hurt or to seop their partners from abusing them, but they aren't successful. You cannot make your partner abuse you and you can't make him not abuse you. These are his choices and his alone. The task is to refocus on yourself and your recovery." ― Carol A Lambert, "Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner"

I read another girl's article as I tried to collect my thoughts into words. She pointed out in a lot of ways how we can quickly excuse certain behaviors and not think of them as abusive until it's too late. Some of these she pointed out were the following: giving up friendships until those friends became strangers, "joking" comments that make you afraid to stand up for yourself, withholding affection, not being able to say what's bothering you out of fear, having to respond immediately, not having freedom to post pictures that you want, needing approval, everything revolved around the abuser and what they wanted, no longer recognizing yourself, being told the abuser will kill themselves or hurt themselves if you leave or don't do what they say.

Speak up. Speak out. Seek help. You are not alone. Spread awareness. It's not your fault, and you have to do what's best for you.

Popular Right Now

17 Telltale Signs That He's NOT Worth Your Time Dating And You Should End It... Now

If even one of these items happens to you, END IT.

1554
views

Relationships are about learning and growing together in order to support one another to the best of your ability. Sometimes, though, your partner possesses qualities and that just do not mesh with your personality, qualities, experiences, expectations, and life goals. It may feel awful at first; however, in the long run, this is actually a good thing to identify. If two people are not getting the same positive outcome from a relationship, then it's not worth the time to pursue. Oftentimes, things that seem minuscule at the moment actually have a much larger impact overall and, after time, these seemingly small things start to feel heavy. As a result, you learn what to expect in a relationship.

Here are 17 signs that your relationship isn't worth your time.

1. He mispronounces your last name

This is especially horrible if it happens while he is addressing your parents.

2. He doesn't make an effort with your family

Speaking of family... well they're kind of important.

3. He doesn't pay attention

To you or anything really.

4. You've never met any of his friends

Wouldn't you think he would want to show you off?

5. His words don't align with his actions

It is pretty easy to say something but what really matters is if he does it.

6. His family interactions are not healthy

You can really learn a lot about a person based off of the other relationships that they have. If you don't like what you see, you probably won't be comfortable with the relationship between the two of you.

7. He doesn't ask for consent

A. BIG. DEAL. BREAKER.

8. He is not mindful

Again, of you or anything really.

9. You have to mother him

Relationships should be 50-50 in terms of learning and growing together; there should never be one person pulling the other.

10. Conversation is artificial

Which can be painful.

11. He doesn't remember important things about you 

12. You contemplate your relationship (even the slightest bit)

It's never a good sign when you find yourself beginning to doubt the stability of your relationship.

13. Your parents tell you that something is off

They know you the best and only want what's best for you.

14. Your close friends tell you that something is off

They also know you very well and only want the best for you.

15. Your not-so-close friends tell you that something is off

Take a hint, honey.

16. He doesn't tell you goodnight

You should always end the day feeling positive and knowing that the other is thinking about you.

17. You go to bed upset

(Could be a result of number 16.) You should never, ever let whatever is happening between you two carry over to the next day.

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating

If You Would Leave Your Significant Other If They Didn’t Have A Dollar To Their Name, It’s Not True Love

Money will get you anything you want, unless it's a fairy tale romance.

72
views

We have all heard about the Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos split. Jeff Bezos's fortune amounts to 140 BILLION dollars. With that money, he could have bought absolutely anything in the world that he wanted. I mean, what would you choose to buy with that wealth? However, in the end, the one thing he couldn't buy was, clearly, a happy marriage.

Let's take a moment to imagine that you jump into the future 50 years. What aspects of your life are you reflecting on?

Are you thinking about the outfits you wore, the status you showed off with your nice car, and all the money you had to spend on things you wanted?

Or are you measuring the quality of your life through the relationships you had with others? Maybe, most significantly, a romantic relationship?

If you've turned on the radio recently, you'll know that it's no secret that one thing almost everyone desires the MOST is true love.

Our society has learned to laugh at that notion, saying that companionate/ realistic love is really the only type of romance people get in real life.

So what do we do? We turn to money. It fills all the emotional voids we have in our unfulfilling lives. Yes, our unfulfilling lives. If you were satisfied with every aspect of your life, there would be no need for spending money aside from survival essentials.

When you turn your back on the idea of true love because you deem it "unreal" and turn to money, you may as well call yourself Alexander Hamilton because you are setting yourself up for a long life of feeling unsatisfied. Because, the truth is, fairy tale romances do actually exist.

But money will never buy it for you.

In fact, it may distract you and create the illusion of true love. Just because you enjoy the fancy gifts, homes, and trips someone can provide you does not mean you are absolutely, truly, head over heels in love with them.

If you wouldn't be with your partner if they didn't have a dollar to their name, it's not true love.

You can't pay for someone to truly love you, and extravagant gifts will never buy someone's love, just their comfort.

So if you can't buy love, how do you get it?

You've been hearing this since grade school, but getting your priorities straight is a MUST.

Work is important, and earning a salary is necessary. But work and money should never be what is most important in life, and you should never prioritize money above a significant other.

Finding the person you are meant to be with takes time, and maintaining the love between the two of you is no simple task.

Always put your significant other ahead of any desire of yours. Their needs should always come first, and for them, your needs will always come first.

It's the little things that keep people madly in love, not something money can buy.

The conversations you have with each other from the heart, the extra burden you put on yourself one day to allow your significant other to sleep in, or the meal you prepare for them so they have one less thing to worry about. The little, everyday things remind your S/O that they mean the world to you. Not the amount of money they're willing to spend for you.

So next time you're counting up your money to see if you have enough to afford the next new fun thing you want, consider how worthless it actually is to the quality of your life.

Love will bring your life value. Money will you bring you materials.

Don't settle for someone you're comfortable with. Find that person you would be with if they didn't have a dime in the world because that person will make you happier than any amount of money or materials ever could.

Related Content

Facebook Comments