So, it has finally happened. You were out too late last night, perhaps tending to the crops, and you were abducted.
First off, you need to relax. No, like actually relax. They can probably smell fear.
...
Relaxed? Good. Now we can talk about survival.
Step 1: Make sure you haven't been drugged
A good first step is to make sure that this is actually happening. Ask the aliens a question that you don't know the answer to, like whether or not there is a god. Make sure to ask them to rationalize it too because, let's face it, if you were drugged you would have no idea how creative your mind is then.
That is, unless they answer that they are what us humans call "god." If this is the case, do not push it any further. You should probably start worshipping them or something.
Step 2: Try to relate to the aliens
Now that you have determined that there is/is not a god and that you are not drugged, you should try to befriend these aliens. Considering their advanced technology (compared to our rudimentary ones), the last thing you want to do is piss them off.
Yeah, sure, I know what you are thinking. What could you possibly relate to?
They might have 15 hands and two heads or whatever, but they still have feelings, dammit! And if you want to survive, you should attempt to tap into that well of empathy that these aliens work so hard to disguise.
Some sample conversation starters are:
"So, does dubstep sound like talking to you guys?"
"Hey bruh, I brought some beers with me. Wanna get trashed?"
"Are you guys, like, clothed? Like is it normal to not wear clothes on your planet? I'm, uhh, just curious."
Step 3: Pretend to get some sort of sick thrill out of any probing they attempt to perform on you
This is going to sound weird, so bear with me. These aliens might have abducted you to understand the human anatomy (you can now brag that, to the outsider, you are the pinnacle of the human body) for their alien physiology classes. So they might try to ... ahem ... probe you. The best course of action is to pretend to be excited for it. Act like this is the most exciting part of your trip with them. In this way, the aliens might be so freaked out by your alien (heh) behavior that they will just drop you back off at your field of corn.
If that does not work, and they are still going to go ahead with the procedure, make sure that it is covered by your HMO. The worst scenario is needing to pay out-of-pocket for a procedure done against your will.
Step 4: Do not tell them about Donald Trump
If they do not bring him up, do not bring him up either for the sake of humanity.
Good luck out there!
