Hey everybody, it's Fisty McFuckins back at it again with the lists. Everybody loves giving thanks, but how many thanks are there? Where did they come from? Where did they go? Where did they come from Cotton Eye Joe? We’ll be answering that today with a bunch of fuckin facts about Thanksgiving.
- Thanksgiving stands for Tanzanians Having A Nice Kosher Sausage, Great Inventory, Very Important Nut Garage.
- Pilgrims aren't real.
- Squanto, the Native who taught the Europeans how to grow corn, was actually just Danny DeVito in redface.
- We eat Turkey on Thanksgiving to honor the Ontario Turkeys, the hockey team who scored the most home runs on the first Thanksgiving.
- Your racist uncle is totally going to pick a fight with you over the election results.
- Cranberry sauce is made of people.
- The Natives originally did not accept the European settlers. It was only when the tribe saw the pilgrim’s dank ass vape clouds that the Natives allowed the white man to get lit with them.
- Many people think the first Thanksgiving was a big dinner with Native Americans and European immigrants, but it was actually just Kurt Russel smoking an entire pack of menthol cigarettes.
- Thanksgiving isn’t just an American holiday. It's also celebrated by women and black people.
- The cornucopia was modeled after one of Satan’s horns, proving that Injuns are devil worshippers.
- George Lucas based Star Wars on the first Thanksgiving.
- Pumpkin pie was invented specifically so that Thanksgiving could have its own festive dessert, because Thanksgiving is a greedy bitch who will tell you she loves you and promise you a life with a home and children, and then she’ll fuck the tall German guy from her art history class and insist that you were never exclusive. This isn't over, Karen. I’ll make you learn to love me.
- In Russia, Thanksgiving has its own Santa Claus. She’s a deranged pansexual version of Pocahontas who gives fat children syphilis. They are very intense about childhood obesity in Russia.
- My dad could beat up your dad, but only on Thanksgiving. That's the only day he drinks enough to want to fight people.
- I lied, my dad is an abusive alcoholic. This is a cry for help.
- 7/10 Thanksgivings don't even know who the president of the United States is. So embarrassing!
- [REDACTED]
- Thanksgiving break lasts a week for most colleges, or just long enough for you to remind your family how much they don't like you.
- Harrison Ford doesn't believe in Thanksgiving. He doesn't disagree with it, he’s just skeptical of its existence.
- On Thanksgiving, stuffing accounts for half of the earth’s weight. Just like that bitch Karen when she inevitably gets fat. What does Jorgën have that I don't?
- The line between Thanksgiving and Black Friday has blurred so much as a result of our consumerist culture that it's hard to even have a nice dinner without worrying about sales anymore. If Marx were still around, he would be ashamed of us. How did we let it get this bad? We sit around a table with our loved ones, pray for those less fortunate, talk about how grateful we are just for our lives and our families, only to go out and wrestle an old lady for a PS4 just hours later? What has America become but a rotting corpse of what was once a nation of giving and opportunity, infested with the capitalist mites that are corporate manipulations in the masses?
- If John Candy were still alive and made a Thanksgiving road trip movie with Steve Martin, that would be pretty dope.
- I finally figured out how to format lists for Odyssey’s horribly flawed system.
And now, a poem about Thanksgiving by me, Fisty McFuckins:
Thanksgiving
A time for family
A time for sharing
A time for dope ass melon grabs boi
The sk8 or die life pauses for no holiday
YOU FUCKERS ASKED FOR A TURKEY RECIPE, YA GOT ONE:
Alright you quivering pussies, this is how you make a real Thanksgiving turkey.
WHAT YOU’LL NEED:
A turkey
A source of heat
So here’s what you do. You take the turkey, make sure you got a good grip on it so it doesn’t slip outcha hands and get dirty, you slap that shit near a source of heat. BAM, EMIRIL LEGASSE. You wait an amount of time and there’s your turkey, ‘cept it’s cooked now. Garnish with a pack of stale Newports.
PS: Just a side note, completely unrelated to Thanksgiving, but does anyone else think the Baja Men are just the black version of Chumbawamba? They sound so similar.
