Apple. Android. Blackberry. (Does anybody still use a blackberry?) In 2016 they are household names. How often do you look around and see the masses glued to their screens. If you're honest with yourself, not much since you are probably also glued to your screen. Lives revolve around what percent your battery is at, what the latest Snapchat is about or that moment of panic before you find out if you've gone over your data amount for the month. There are people who literally have panic attacks if their battery is dead or their phone is not close by. People might forget you. Your social life will collapse. You'll have to move into a cabin in the woods and become a hermit, but you know your beard game is too weak for that life! How could anyone survive without a smartphone? Believe it or not, there are those that do!
"Of course people do!" you say "My grandma still has that old rotor dial phone in her kitchen. The Smithsonian offered her millions for it, but she said she has a great deal from Southern Bell and she doesn't want to switch companies." (Yeah. Let those references settle in for a moment. Did you have to Google? Did you?) What self respecting Millennial would want to live like a pariah without a Droid? For that matter, what person under forty? (Some of your parents are around that age, right? I have siblings older than your mom.) Well like your dear old dementia afflicted gram-gram, I too live without a smartphone. A twenty-something (not telling) guy functions from day to day without the latest iPhone. (Is it a three? I feel like I heard about a three somewhere.) No, I am not a hipster. Hipsters disdain tech, except smartphones. I'm not a tiny home, off the grid, self-sustainer and no, I do not wear an aluminum foil hat. (I can however grow a pretty epic beard.)
The simple explanation is I can't afford one. I am dirt freaking poor. Actually dirt might be more wealthy since there are valuable metals and minerals there. My credit is so bad they can smell it when I walk into Verizon. I have a Net10, LG flip phone. It uses one of those cards that refills your minutes every thirty days. I get a thousand for $25. Now I know what you want to say here. "They have smartphones and data plans with those phones too. Stop whining." I know they do. I had one for a short time, but it was just too much to afford each month. It also sucked. I never had any service or battery life. I tried to keep with it for a while, but in the end it was more financially responsible for me to go back. I can text. I can call. I rarely even use most of my minutes each month and I can go two or three days without charging my battery and be fine. I don't need much else.
When I tell people that I don't have a smartphone, they look at me with shock, pity, and even sometimes horror. (Hear that Rob Zombie? Got the premise of your next movie!) I remember one time I was on the bus and I got a text message. I took out my phone to check and a girl snatched it out of my hand to marvel at it. (Rude! Be glad I didn't snatch off your good hair Becky.) She had to pass it around and show it to her friends and take several Snapchats and selfies with it before she let me have it back. She and her friends laughed and smiled and told me how sorry they were for me. I distinctly overheard one of her friends wonder how I was able to get a girlfriend with no phone. (1: Really? 2: Get out of here with your hetero-normative crap. 3: Your shoes are hideous!) While I was at work today, I had someone ask me what team I was on in Pokemon Go. I explained that I didn't have a phone (or tablet) to play on, so I wasn't on any team. They then proceeded to explain to me how much I was missing and how awesome Pokemon is. Not how awesome Pokemon Go is, POKEMON IN GENERAL! They assumed that since I didn't have a smart phone, I must have never ever played Pokemon in my life. Firstly, I work at a VIDEO GAME STORE and second, I've been playing Pokemon since it debuted in 1998. You probably didn't start until Gen 3 dude! (My pokedex has 721 entries on Y. Your app only gives you the first 150. #winning.) I've gotten so used to people doing that, it almost doesn't even phase me anymore. (Almost.) Doesn't that sound weird?
It's easy to get left out of things when you don't have a smartphone. After all, "Apple all day prevents social decay!" Many of my friends use group chat to plan events and parties or just hanging out in general. My phone can't do group chat. It costs me a minute per text (receiving and sending). When you include me in a group chat, my phone recognizes it as a media message. That costs me two and a half minutes per text and I don't get the option to ignore it. It can deplete my main source of communication really fast. I remind them and they apologize and take me out of the group message and then finish making plans. The problem is, they forget to tell me! So I end up getting a message saying "Where are you at? We're waiting on you!" often. I try to remind them that Facebook is a better way to plan something with me. I check it pretty often on my computer (at this point I bet you're envisioning the old blocky apple computer with the huge floppy disc. I have a Toshiba satellite with crappy Windows 10. I'm not a caveman.) Or I suggest that just one of them text me the time and place. Sometimes they remember, sometimes they don't. Texting can be a pain too. The way my keys are situated, I can't type words at the same speed as everyone else. I have to press the seven button four times to get an S. Do you know how many times I get a "you there?" text? Slow down. I'm trying to type the word Heineken. It takes a sec.
Dating is also a nightmare. (Ok. Becky's stupid friend with the stupid shoes was kind of right.) I don't have a Tinder or *gasp* Grindr, so it is really hard to meet people. (This is a whole new article. Stay tuned.) Sure, there are online sites like Match and OkCupid, but the crowd tends to be a little older than I prefer. And forget something like Craigslist, I do not have a death wish! I met a guy once at the bar and we talked and played pool and had a really good time. We really hit it off! He asked for my Kik before we left and I told him I didn't have one. So he asked for my Snapchat. No bueno either. Long story short, I did not meet the man of my dreams and get whisked off into the sunset and live happily ever after. (Those wishing to apply may do so on my Facebook.)
So what is my point? Do I want you to feel sorry for me and set up a gofundme so I can get a new phone? No, of course not. (I'm not going to stop you if you do though.) Just be a little more mindful. I'm not the only person in the world without an iPhone. (Am I?) You don't have to sneer or laugh at me. DO NOT snatch my flip phone out of my hand just to look at it. (Seriously. Don't.) I'm not asking for extra special accommodations either. Just a little consideration for our situation. I'm sure I'll join the smartphone craze soon enough. Until then I'm content. I'll even go a bit further and offer some advice. When that battery dies or you're out of data and in that barren no wifi wasteland, RELAX! Grab that inhaler, take a few breaths, and then enjoy the freedom. There is so much around you that you can't enjoy with a phone screen in front of your eyes. A cloud is more than just a mystical digital place to store your photos. Look up! Enjoy nature! People watching can bed fun. We're strange and entertaining. Interacting with them in person is even better. I promise you, it's fun.
