I’ve spent the last few weeks catching up with old friends, meeting new friends and discussing all parts of life. This for most people includes their love life. When talking with a friend I hadn’t seen in several months, I was asked, “So what’s your lucky number?” I was confused at first, unaware of what I was really being asked until they responded with theirs.
I’ve only been in one serious relationship and it lasted for over a year. I had never been with anyone before and I haven’t been with anyone after. It’s taken me some time to get used to being single again, and I’ve never been one for a casual fling. Now I’ve been asked this question multiple times, and usually people respond with how high their number is and some kind of shame they feel. My number is one.
I didn’t want to tell my friend my number, because I have never been looked at like a slut, but always like a prude. I attend a university with, what I believe to be a healthy sexual culture, but sexual shaming still happens on both sides.
Now, I am one of few of my friends who has a small number of sexual partners; I have never once looked at them when they tell me their 6, 12, 19 or 42 and thought any less of them, but I cannot say I have never felt some kind of shaming for only being with one person.
I’ve been told that I’m young and should have more fun, that I’ll never know what I like if I’m not with multiple people, that I just haven’t “done it” enough. I’ve never understood how people can be criticized for having multiple sexual partners, but also for having few. Is there a magic number? You should have sex with this many people, no more, no less.
Rather than accepting others for their choice in their sexual endeavors, or lack thereof, we judge them and shame them for being adults and making their own decisions. Men, especially, are criticized for having few sexual partners as if refraining from sex or multiple partners defines their masculinity.
Who you’ve been with, the number of people you’ve been with and why you were with them should not define you or be something to be ashamed of. College is about finding who you are, and sex may or may not be a part of that for everyone. Having sex is healthy and natural, but so is not having sex. We are not a number, regardless of what that number is.
