“Judging somebody else doesn’t define who they are; it defines who you are.” (Unknown)
We all have that friend who is a little bit looser with their bodies, telling us about their sexcapades, wearing the slutty Halloween costume, etc. Or we are that person. We jump to conclusions about their behavior and judge them for it, throwing shade at them for expressing themselves sexually. We get critical and start looking cock-eyed at other people, just for something like a costume. If they are not being safe with their sexual behavior, you have my permission to throw all the shade you want. But our society has constructed sex as this foreign idea, one you’ll understand when you’re older, one to not discuss. Especially with a group like gay men, who for most, if not all, of their lives, have faced homophobia telling them they are wrong. Therefore, it will make it that much more uncomfortable for us and there will be more irrational beliefs about sex and how it should be conducted. These two compounding forces shield us from finding true enjoyment and meaning in the sex we have. We then use sex as a way to feel more connected to other members of the community, sometimes in that one way, or putting that portion of relationships in hyper-drive. Instead of trying to understand how our culture works and how we see sex, we project it out onto others, making them feel bad for their actions.
A friend of mine would definitely fall into the “living through his slutty college years” category. I have judged him in the past, as others have in our friend group. I mean, he is known as the “slut” of our friend group, which consists of mostly gay men. He dressed as something slutty for Halloween, and our first thought was "of course"; instead of allowing him to dress slutty and hopefully be safe in his actions, we jump on him, assuming that he is doing this for attention and will just jump and hump and first guy who talks to him. He will talk about his sexcapades, normally not in too much detail, and we will roll our eyes and make little comments. He knows that it's all in jest, when it comes from us, but the fact that we automatically jump to slut shaming him is wrong and rooted in the societal norms placed upon us.
Recently, the head of a major HIV/AIDS organization came out against PREP, which is a medication used to reduce the likelihood of becoming HIV-positive. He said that gay men would use it as a party drug, basically saying that we would be sluttier and take more risks with this medication available to us. We can view that as an example on how easy it is for us to turn on each other and be critical and judgmental of each other. We need to arrive differently, look at sex from a new perspective, so we can get to a place where it is about joy and fun and not something that is going to be detached. Sex is natural and fun, among other things, so as long as people are being safe and getting consent, kudos to the sluts of the world; we should not attack them for being sexually active— they are doing what they want to do.
So what should we do? Start a dialogue; don’t be afraid to talk about sex, sexual practices, or safety—that’s where the slut shaming comes from, a lack of dialogue. So to my slutty friends, I love you, be safe, enjoy it, don’t use it for connection, and most importantly, have fun.
I would like to thank Matthew J. Dempsey, a psychotherapist from Los Angeles, whose video “Gay Men & Slut Shaming” inspired this article. Check him out on YouTube and social media @ Matthew J. Dempsey.
