Watergate. Benghazi. These words are synonymous with scandal, controversy, and for some, even shame. But there’s a far more treacherous secret that the media doesn’t want you to know about. A secret some will kill for in order to keep hidden. I’m talking, of course, about Papa John’s Pizza. Papa John, America’s saucy sweetheart, has defiled the pizza he loved, and I’ve finally got the evidence to prove it.

What first alerted me to Papa’s perversion was this video:

A seemingly harmless video of the Papa and his son, Beau, promoting the brand new online ordering experience. But behind this happy façade, a dark truth looms. Take a closer look at the interactions between the pair.

Look at Beau’s eyes.

Do you see the contempt, the hatred?

Now look here, when Papa goes for the high-five.

Beau is almost astounded by the physical contact he’s receiving from his father. It’s like he hasn’t high-fived him in years. Where, if not to Beau, does that father-son love go?

I did some digging into Papa John’s past through a high-tech, untraceable database.

My hope was to discover how he rose to pizza power, but what I found was far more disturbing. Papa John’s was founded in 1984. Yet his oldest child, Kristine, was not born until 1987. Why then, was he referred to as “Papa” John?

Then it hit me. The slices of evidence came together to form a pie of truth. You see, Beau isn’t Papa’s first son. He had another son on May 25, 1983–made of pizza.

His name is Dough, and he is the true heir to Papa’s company, property, and stock share holdings. It’s unclear who mothered the child, but my findings narrow the search down to either a Kenmore or GE model oven.

(Pictured above, Dough Schnatter, born six pounds, four cheeses)

This discovery explains everything. Beau is jealous of the attention his father gave Dough, explaining his strange performance in the commercial. The date of birth explains John’s choice of title, “Papa.” So why isn’t this story being covered by the media? Think about it.

If this story broke, the public image of Papa John would plummet, causing a crash on Wall Street and economic turmoil. Not to mention the fact that America’s faith in pizza leadership would be shattered.

The risk is high, but pizza always tastes better when there’s some truth on the side. Dough’s whereabouts are currently unknown. For all we know, he could’ve been delivered to a customer in the hopes of destroying the evidence. What’s important is that now you know, too. Whether others believe you is irrelevant. It’s time to deliver the truth.