The past few weeks have been trying for me. It seems that I have been having issues sleeping. My new work schedule does make it rough to deal with a normal sleep pattern, but in some ways, I feel there is something deeper. For the past few years, I’ve felt a sense that I didn’t fit anywhere, and that my feelings for love, sorrow, death, and life seem to intervene with every aspect of my life. The sense of belonging and eventually being fully happy deem to dwindle in the night and fade farewell in the morning. This is not to say that I don’t find any feelings of happiness or reasons to be thankful for each day, but it seems like it becomes harder and harder to find each day. It could be due to the fact that a lot has happened over the past few years that has caused me to devolve into this sleepless pattern, or could a lot of this be contributed to the fact that I am looking for happiness in places I shouldn’t?
My body is also noticing these effects too, and less sleep equals less time for the body to rejuvenate and heal itself. I do want to sleep and feel refreshed in the morning; I want to feel happy and energized, but it seems that lately, I just want to lie down in bed and not do anything. In most cases, the past few months have been harder for me to write like I used to. I had written a novel and then another novel for a series, and I even started on the next book in that series before stopping. It was like there was a blanket wrapped around my body, draining me of any energy left for any type of creative feel.
However, I have been trying more and more to find things in life, even in my restless state, to convince myself to write. When I saw this opportunity to write each week (thank you Victoria Fillmore!), something inside me sparked and literally said, why not? I haven’t really written anything since June, and that was only in my journal, but I felt that this would be something I could get myself to do in order to revise my inner creative juices, or at least to get them flowing again. Since this is going to be my fourth article, I think it’s at least starting to work more and more each week.
I still have a lot of sleeplessness every day, and there are still more times than not that I’m just wanting to lie in bed and do nothing. I still have to force myself to get out of bed and do what I need to do because the bills won’t pay themselves, but I have been getting more and more excited to find something else to discuss that also means a lot to me. Some pieces might be stronger than others, but what makes me feel a sense of accomplishment is that I am writing again, and I am writing with purpose.
In this sense, I am also finding ways to make myself truly happy again, and one day, I will overcome this sleeplessness because every night has its morning, and every rain does have its sunshine.