I’ll be honest—I haven’t been very good lately. And, it doesn’t matter or anything, but I guess I’m blaming others for making me feel this way. Although I’m extroverted sometimes, I’m mostly an introvert. I internalize and analyze almost everything, so negative thoughts and feelings usually boil and fester until I explode externally. I’m on that boil and fester cycle right now, and I feel like I’m about to explode. I figured it might help to write an article about it, but not much.

I’ve been stressed about, and trying to keep up with, college work. I work four jobs, sort of. I’m a peer tutor, copywriting intern, deputy editor, and I’ve just recently started helping my mom with her business. I love all my jobs, even though it can be a bit overwhelming. I won’t stop doing what I’m doing because I’m doing what I’m supposed to right now. And, it’s not the work that gets me down. It’s the people.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling undermined and overlooked. Old insecurities and emotions have surfaced telling me I’m not good enough to do what I want to do or be who I want to be. It’s worse than that, though. I feel like I don’t exist.

Obviously, people don’t realize they’re making me feel this way, and it doesn’t matter if they do or not. Maybe they’re not particularly doing anything wrong. I’d still feel this way even if people weren’t making me feel this way. But, I know for a fact only two people will read this entire article. The only two people in my life who recognize my existence: my mother and brother.

I know it sounds strange and irrational, but my past experiences are infiltrating me. It’s getting to me. My entire life I’ve felt inferior to others for some reason or another. I’ve felt like I’m ignored, neglected, and pushed aside like I don’t exist. Even in group settings or with friends, I’ve been the outcast of the outcasts of the outcasts. Even trying to interact with friends and strangers, I’ve always felt like the odd one—or, the one nobody talks to—and it wears on me.

All the announcements and excitement surrounding graduation has contributed to these past emotions arising and camping out in my heart, making it heavy as can be. Although I don’t graduate until 2018, a lot of people I know are graduating right now. Memories are flooding my head, reminding me of my senior year of high school (which was the best and worst part of my high school experience). Normally, these sorts of flashbacks wouldn’t happen, but since I’m feeling a certain way, they are. So, I’m reminded of when a teacher told my class to write a graduation speech, and we had the choice to read it in front of the class for extra credit. When I did, all I felt and heard was judgment. I gave my speech with confidence, and I was proud. But, I heard whispers in the back of the classroom: “If it was anybody but her giving the speech it would be good.” I guess more people had this perception of me than I realized, and people didn’t like me for reasons unknown. It’s always been like that for me, though. I’ve had very few friends. Lately, these negative feelings have come back. People are treating me like I don’t exist, or treating me like I’m not important.

I’ll tell you briefly what they’re doing to make me feel like this, but know that this is my perception. I understand that other people may feel like this too. They might have a lot of things going on in their lives that are making them feel down as well. So, I’m trying not to blame anybody personally. I’m simply trying to relay how I feel on a wide spectrum.

For one, I feel like I’m purposefully being ignored in my peer tutor community. I interact with fellow peer tutors, I’m nice and laugh at jokes and try to make conversation. However, it seems that every time I talk, I’m completely pushed aside and people continue to talk around me. This has made me feel like I don’t belong. I don’t know why this is happening, but I know I’ve never given anybody any reason to treat me like I don’t exist, or treat me like there’s nothing interesting or good for me to offer. I’ve been a peer tutor for more than seven months (and I’ve been active in the community) and other peer tutors still don’t know who I am or the fact that I’m a humanities peer tutor. They’ve said: “Who is the humanities peer tutor? Oh, I think it’s (Person),” when (Person) wasn’t me. And, this isn’t just happening with my peer tutor community. It’s happening a bit with my Odyssey community as well. I sense favoritism, a lack of communication and connection. Even if it’s not true, even if my perception is tainted in some way, it just completely sucks to feel this way at all.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m overthinking things. All I know is this is how it feels. It’s not until I say something that it’s like: “Oh, right! Of course, you’re here.” And, I always make my presence known, but then it’s suddenly forgotten by so many.

Sure, I could be paranoid. I could be out of my mind. I guess depression does that to me. But, it’s still terrible for anybody to feel this way. I don’t wish for anybody to ever feel this way—like they’re not important and don’t exist. It makes me think I’ll never have meaningful connections with anyone. I’m plagued with self-doubt because of this. I have suicidal thoughts. Blah, blah, blah. You know the deal. I just wish it would stop, and my brain won’t stop. I have anger, and it won’t stop. I’m not sure what to do. All the help I’ve sought hasn’t helped at all.

I’m not an adolescent teenager who doesn’t exist, so why is my non-existence still reoccurring? Why am I invisible to the world? Why can only two people see me? I’m trying to learn not to care. I’m trying to do me and ignore the fact that people ignore me. I guess that’s the way the world works for some. I’m letting you know I’m here, though. I’m right here, and I exist—sleeping with a heavy heart.