Once upon a time, I was sixteen and naive. I wanted so badly to experience what love was like. I was sixteen and I had never been kissed. Sixteen and I had never even held a boy's hand. I thought I was weird because I was sixteen and had never experienced these moments.

At sixteen, I thought that love did not exist in high school. At sixteen, I thought I would never experience love. At sixteen, I had crushes on boys who I knew would never give me the time of day. I came to accept the fact that I was single and became happy with that.

At sixteen, I met a boy who would later become my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and my first love.

I did not think our relationship would become as deep as it did. I was not sure what to expect. I was living in the present, just enjoying my life with him. Things became rocky as our relationship progressed. People started to talk. His friends would make fun of him because we had not yet had sex, even though we had been dating for a year. My friends would get upset because he didn't do cute little gestures for me like a love letter or a prom-posal. I found myself talking about him more negatively than I did positive.

Our relationship became a huge roller coaster and it scared me. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to experience true love, but I was always scared of it. I knew that what I was feeling for him was growing into something deeper than "like."

At seventeen, he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him back.

At sixteen, I did not believe in high school love, but at seventeen, I was in love.

I thought that we were the exception. I thought that we would be the high school couple that stayed together forever. I thought...

It seemed as time went on, things did not get better. I was hard on him, I admit that. But I was hard on him because I saw his potential. I was hard on him because I wanted I so badly for us to work. You can't change people. I definitely learned that. You can only change the person in the mirror.

Maybe on some level, I sabotaged the relationship. Maybe my expectations were too high. Maybe I was just a bitch. Maybe it was all three.

It was hard to see flaws in what I was doing because he always said I was perfect.He never pointed out the negative. He would take the blame for everything even when it clearly was not his fault. One would think that that was a good thing, but it bothered me. It bothered me that he never called me out on my crap. It bothered me because I had no problem telling him about the stuff he did that upset me. It bothered me because I did not believe him when he said I was perfect.

Things got worse from there.

The more he said he loved me, the more I hesitated to say it back. When he planned something for us, I always prepared myself for something to go wrong. When I had high hopes or expectations of a great date, I was often left disappointed. So my expectations decreased until it came to the point where I didn't have any.

What did I expect you may ask. I just wanted that spark back. I wanted the butterflies I used to feel when he kissed me. I didn't want him to buy me expensive things. I just wanted a simple letter, care package, or a gift that came from his heart. I wanted to look at him as my rock, my protector, and someone I can trust.

Now I realize that we're only eighteen. Eighteen and still a bit naive. We're eighteen and still growing. We are young and in love and that is hard. We are still trying to figure our lives out. We are still finding ourselves. The truth is, we're not ready to be in love.

I have always heard that relationships are work. Boy, that is true.

At sixteen, I wanted a boyfriend, but I didn't want to be in love. Life doesn't go as planned. I am eighteen and I still love him. I will always love him. I am eighteen and I am scared to go through this again. I know I am not going to get married anytime soon but that doesn't change my long life fear of love.

I may sound dumb.

I probably just sound eighteen and naive.