Everyone has people in their lives that deserve to be rewarded. They are special people who are talented in unique ways, and they have somehow managed to make their imperfections distinct personality traits that you come to know them by. These people may never receive a VMA, Olympic medal or even a high school superlative for best eyes. However they have managed to create their own category of special awards that can only be given to those once-in-a-lifetime friends that seem to never get it right, and even when they do, still manage to make you laugh or even say What. The. Actual. F$ck.
So, from my own personal experiences with people in college, I've compiled a list of extraordinary awards for extraordinary people.
1. Most Likely to Live with Their Parents
Award: Stolen hotel bathrobe
Everyone has that friend who seems to think college is a continuation of high school, meaning they treat it like a joke. No, college is when you figure out what you want to do for the rest of your life. This person is most likely majoring in tequila with a minor in beer and mixed drink specials. I'm all for going out, drinking and making questionable decisions a few nights a week, but when you go out five days a week and don't know what the sun looks like, that's when you're looking at a future as bright as "Wedding Crashers" character Chaz. “MAA! THE MEATLOAF!"
2. Most Likely to (Always) Blackout First
Award: A bottle of water and cheesy fries
The night always starts with you saying something like, "I am absolutely not going to take care of you if you don't make it to the party." To which these self-proclaimed drinking gurus reply, "I got this!" Fast forward two hours, and they're yelling, tripping, or starting a fight. These people not only cut their night short, but usually yours as well. Luckily, you're a good friend, and you always look after them when they need it AKA every Friday night.
3. Most Likely to Take Care of the Person in No. 2 (AKA The Mom)
Award: A night of free drinking
Every group of girls has that one responsible person who is usually taking care of their one obnoxiously drunk friend who just can't seem to keep her hands off the Fireball and cheap boxed wine. Obviously mixing the two is a time bomb that will most likely end with you taking care of your barefoot friend as she throws up in a fraternity toilet. Personally I'd like to thank you because without people like you to prevent alcohol poisoning, and to document the night via an extra long Snapchat story, she would never know how entertaining her drunk alter ego was as she attempts to pull a Drake between dry heaves and hit up her ex.
4. Most Likely to Marry a Doctor/Lawyer/Rich Guy
Award: A dose of reality
Now, as a future millionaire myself, I can tell you this: Good looks are great while they last, but they're a depreciating asset. Money can continue to make money, but nothing can stop time from making you look as bad as the rest of us will in 50 years. #sorrynotsorry, but if your only goal in life is to marry into money than you have a really sh*tty understanding of what life is all about, and I'm genuinely afraid for your future. With that being said, some people are just destined to marry someone leaps and bounds more successful than they are. It may be a stated goal of theirs, or implied by their friends who are desperate not to see them live in a box. Either way, I wish you much success in gold-digging your way to the top! Hopefully you can use your future husband's or wife's money for something that benefits others less fortunate than yourself.
5. Most Likely to Become a Cat Lady
Award: A laser pointer
You know what they say, once you go cat, you never go back. This laser pointer is to be awarded to your friend who is most likely to become the creepy cat lady. Hopefully the laser pointer helps to provide some entertainment while she decides on what filter makes her and Kibbles look the best in her fifth Instagram upload of her and her cat that day.
6. Most Likely to Teach Physical Education in a High School
Award: Extra-short athletic shorts and white high socks
Do you have that friend who just never seemed to grow up? Even when y'all got to college, he continued telling stories about how awesome he was at football? If so, then this award is for that guy. Congrats, dude, you can live out your dream of never leaving high school by going back and teaching at one! Make sure to save those stories so all the kids know how awesome you were 20 years ago.
