The Six Stages of [Attempted] Dieting: The "Friends" Edition

So maybe it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. You want to lose weight and you want to lose it fast. Everywhere you turn you find avocado-covered toast and kale smoothies - but this isn’t enough. And this is when the cycle of dieting beings (and ends).

1. The Ross Geller Stage

Welcome to the world of Google. This is the stage where you become Dr. Ross Geller: researcher and low-key scientist. You’re trying to become the leader of your life. You begin searching things like, “How to lose 20 pounds in one week,” and start reading about weird things like glucomannan and green tea extract. You look at funky diets such as eating purely vegetables for eight days. You’re analyzing your life choices and determining the next best step to take in your eating habits. This is the stage where you begin to blurt out facts to your friends about metabolic rates. You think you are strong and about to be a leader in your eating habits…maybe you’ll be able to do it this time…

Bonus Ross points: You research and begin the Paleolithic diet. You become a dinosaur.

2. The Monica Geller Stage

So you’ve found enough evidence to convince yourself that dieting is the answer. You’re about to make the transition that Monica made from high school, using keen planning tactics and self-discipline. You plan out meals for the next week and make lists made up of “Do Eat” and “Do-Not Eat." Some may say this is where you become obsessive, yet you obviously deny it (even though it’s true). You might clean out your kitchen and throw away all that junk food kept in the top shelf of the pantry. Just because your dad can eat it, doesn’t mean you can (See: Dad Bod).

Bonus Monica points: You try to become head chef of a restaurant and attempt to convince your cooks to only make green shakes.

3.The Rachel Green Stage

You’ve truly connected with the Geller stages (in more ways than one) and created lists of all the food that you need to buy. Now it’s time to go shopping. You're unaware of whether or not you'll actually be able to make any of these dishes, but you can try. You head to the grocery store in cute workout clothes with your shopping list and grab a cart. It takes so much willpower not to go down that snack aisle and once you pass it, you feel like you can do anything. You’re ready to roll. You starting checking things off your list. Kale, cucumbers, quinoa, ghee… wait what’s ghee? Mom? Help? Suddenly you are confused. But you somehow get everything and return home. After you make your first healthy meal, you feel great..

Bonus Rachel points: You spend double the amount of money you spent on food to buy workout clothes. It might make you workout. Maybe.

4.The Joey Tribbiani Stage

Hangry. This is the worst stage. You’re not used to cutting back this much. These meals are small and you’re not ready for them. You want to snack. Thoughts include: What do you mean that meal was supposed to last me until tomorrow? I’m starving and I’m definitely not making that meal again, are you kidding me? I guess I’ll have like one chip. It wont kill me. The bag says organic anyway. It’s fine. Okay one more won’t hurt me.

You begin to crave food more than you normally would. Chicken parmesan calls out your name. Pizza has never looked so good. You begin to notice how many food commercials are actually on TV.

Bonus Joey points: You want pizza so badly that you somehow just made a pizza with cauliflower crust and soy cheese.

5.The Chandler Bing Stage

A.K.A. denial. Chandler has a hard time making changes in his life and is definitely afraid of long term commitment. Oh, and you really really just love food. You begin to realize that you are never going to be able to eat lettuce for dinner for the rest of your life. You get really upset that you can’t eat healthy every single meal and begin sneaking ice cream behind your diet’s back.You find rationale to defend your actions, just like Chandler uses humor as a defense mechanism. You start to make things up like becoming a vegetarian only 3 days a week. Or only following your diet at home. Or eating 2 serving sizes of French fries instead of 5 because cutting back is cutting back.

Bonus Chandler points: You try to find humor in your food. You actually created this video.

6.The Phoebe Buffay Stage

People start asking you how your diet is going, considering you couldn’t stop talking about it last week. But all hope is lost considering you legitimately cannot stick with anything. Your diet is over and that’s that. You have lost all control. At this stage the conversation may go like

“How’s your diet?

“I’m on a diet?”

Or possibly just start yelling.

Bonus Phoebe points: Write a song about it.

And thus your diet is over.

No matter how many times you try, you will probably most likely never stick to one of those fad diets you find on the internet. The best bet is to just eat healthy and exercise on a regular basis. Or you can keep repeating this cycle, probably getting nowhere, and potentially harming your body. A cookie will not kill you, I promise.