These past years of my life have been a constant battle between real love and situational love. I find the differences only come to light when the moment of excitement has passed and you're forced to find joy without a seemingly perfect moment getting you there.
If you have found yourself brokenhearted and a bit off beat when it comes to letting people in, then you aren't alone.
Recently I took the trip of a lifetime to find inner peace in what feels like life's battlegrounds. I had to remind myself that I can be the video girl, the best friend, the daughter, the student orientation leader, the dean's list student, and the model worker. Believe it or not that all can be pretty challenging at times. But on this trip, I saw so much love everywhere I went. From sitting on benches by street corners to sitting on driftwood across the sand from one of the world's greatest sunsets, I learned that love exists everywhere. And sometimes we accept it without even realizing it.
The irony for me was feeling so much love, while feeling lonely too.
For a long while, the face of love belonged to the boy who broke my heart. But that wasn't the worst of it. After a while when the pain had subsided, love for me had no face at all.
Despite my heart's confusion, there were moments where I truly connected with people. Where I thought if I just challenged my gut feeling then I could find love carefully hidden beneath the rubble of what that boy left behind, and clean it up with the woman I could finally be.
None of those guys lasted longer than a blink in the timeline of my life, and so situational love struck again and again.
I thought of this as I watched the couple holding on to one another as the sun went down like the whole town of Vermilion wasn't watching. I felt my heart break knowing that I just didn't know how they felt. I have loved before. But I have never felt love in a way that felt entirely secure. My heart broke for what I couldn't feel, but despite not standing alone with the one I loved, I was standing in a crowd of people within the town I loved.
And there on that driftwood, is where hope poured through the cracks in my heart.
My entire life thus far has been riding on the belief that God has a plan for me. That what I haven't experienced I someday will in a much better way than I could ever imagine. That's what makes situational love so much clearer. There is a brief pause you will take before every action you initiate. In that pause, your mind will be entirely uninterrupted by conflict, and you will know whether something is worth the risk, or is something you just aren't meant for. Even though this pause is surrounded by so many conflicting thoughts, the truth is always present.
It is never easy to obey the truth, but I believe through obeying the truth, by taking that brave risk, we will stop walking around our destination, and walk right up to its front door.
And when life gives you a door like that again, don't be afraid to knock.
