My little sister is adopted from China. We're a pretty stereotypical white middle class family, but people give us double-takes whenever we are out and about. She has gotten a number of interesting questions over the years that must have gotten quite annoying after awhile, two of the most common being:
1. "Can you speak Chinese?" (The answer is no. She was adopted at 18 months and doesn't have any memory of living in China).
2. "Do you know your birth parents?" (Come on, really? In what scenario is this an appropriate question to ask?)
She's also gotten a lot of well-meaning but unusual and perhaps offensive comments such as:
1. "You're basically white." (Is this supposed to be a compliment?)
2. "Sometimes I forget you're adopted." (Um, OK?)
3. "You're not a real Asian." (What, just because she doesn't reinforce the problematic stereotypes that you were raised to believe applied to each and every Asian?)
My personal favorite question that I have ever been asked was one that I got quite a few times when I went to a predominantly white Catholic elementary school. People would come up to me and ask, "Does she know she's adopted?"
No, don't tell her! We're raising her to believe that she is white too. She's Chinese, but she hasn't figured out that she doesn't look like us yet.
I can't really imagine how frustrating it must be for her and other Chinese-American adoptees to hear these things all of the time. I can't pretend that I know her struggle –– I never get questions about my birth parents or biological heritage or cultural experiences, because being white is (quite problematically) the norm in America. My lovely sister somehow manages to gracefully answer all of these questions, but I know it bothers her.
And honestly, I'm guilty of probably making things more difficult for her. I always used to joke about how white-washed my sister is, and I would tell her that sometimes I would look at her and forget that she was Asian, as though she were white instead. I deeply regret that I have said these things in the past because it robs her of any self-identity.
When my family visited China in 2012 to explore her heritage and history, it occurred to her that she's too Asian to be considered white and "normal" back home in America, but she was too white and American to be considered Chinese and relate to their culture. So it's really not fair for me to make these types of comments that just contribute to her cultural dilemma.
A couple of months ago, China announced that they were replacing the one-child policy with a two-child policy. Of course, that is a huge win for parents who have always wanted to have a large family. But I'm asking you not to slander the ethics of population control.
A lot of people seem to have this gross misconception that if someone violates the one-child policy in China, the government will storm in and kill the second child. Obviously, if that were the case, then I would be condemning the one-child policy as well. But that's not what happens. If someone breaks this law, the government will respond with a fine. Clearly that sucks, but it's not has barbaric and brutal as some people may have imagined.
The ethics of population control is a huge issue that I'm not going into here, but I do want to make the point that if you're going to make a claim about the morality of the one-child or two-child policy, you need to do a little bit of research and get the facts. That way you will have a firm understanding of it and people like my sister won't have to hear that their culture is barbaric or inhumane from people who don't even know what they're talking about. Moral of the story: Think before you talk, in all situations.
With that being said, it's been a truly unique and beautiful experience having an adopted sister. She's the most important person in my life, and I wouldn't trade all of this craziness for the world. She's my partner-in-crime, and I love her.
