I Am Not Single, I Am In A Healthy Relationship With Myself

I Am Not Single, I Am In A Healthy Relationship With Myself

The world is mine now and I am more excited than ever for things that are out of my control
"Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape." - Bell Hooks

Since my last relationship, a lot of people have asked me why I have chosen to stay single. More specifically, why am I dodging men who could potentially treat me good? Why am I dodging dates and hanging out with men who have shown me nothing but their undivided attention and interest? The only answer I have for that is that I am not ready. I am not ready to be with anyone romantically, besides myself. This facade that we have that women and men do not need to be single is self-destructive and completely unhealthy. I say that because not too long ago my ex-boyfriend and I attempted to rekindle things, and when things didn't work out, a few days later he found someone else. This is not to "throw shade" but to let you guys know that I felt the need to find someone else because he had someone else now. How sad is that? I somehow felt regret that because I let go of someone who wanted to try to finally, maybe, treat me right, I would be forever single. I felt this need to find someone then and there. The only reason I thought any of that is because we voice this ongoing fear of being single or that there is something wrong with single individuals.

I have had this constant feeling of "you need someone" since my last relationship but I know that isn't what I want. I don't think I have ever given myself time to be truly single. I see friends and family members enjoy their relationships and I get jealous. I wonder why no one wants me as I dodge dates with great guys. Although I say all of this, there is nothing I want less than to be committed to another individual right now. I don't want anything serious and the only thing that scares me about that is society's views on single individuals.

Being single is not scary and honestly, if you take this time out to enjoy yourself you can make the most of it. Not giving into my negative thoughts about needing someone has made me enjoy being single that much more. I am my happiest when I am not tied down to someone or holding that kind of responsibility. My idea of a relationship has been covered up by things that I know to be toxic. I can go out with my friends and wear whatever I want to wear, I can hang out with whoever I want to hang out with, I don't have to answer to anyone or explain myself, and I don't have to hide parts of myself for someone else to love me. And obviously, me saying that shows you how unprepared I am for another relationship.

I have used my time to make new friends as well as get to know myself. I spent so much of my time in a toxic relationship and became so dependent on someone who abused me, I forgot what it is like to enjoy myself. I am enjoying all the parts of myself that were once seen as a problem. I am finding out that I love parts of me that I was once forced to silence. I am loving the way that I get to know people and how open I really am. I am now letting go of things that do not serve me because I now know what I don't want in my life. I know what I want my life to look like. I now know that I have to set standards and boundaries for others to be a part of my life instead of shaping myself to fit their life. I am enjoying being who I am and that is what being single should be like for everyone. Being single should be the time you enjoy yourself and take yourself on dates.

I have found that I like more foods than I previously thought. I stopped going places I do not enjoy or have no fun at while trying new places. I have become more devoted to where I will be in the next few months and how I want things to be for me once I graduate. I like the way I ask too many questions. I love expressing myself in any way that I can, even if that makes someone else feel uncomfortable. Speaking of which, I now no longer make myself feel uncomfortable so that others can feel comfortable. I have been saying "no" more than ever and setting boundaries for people. I am not who I once was and whoever I am becoming, not only do I love her, but me loving her makes her want to do better. I am loving myself the way I want someone else to love me in the future.

I am not saying that being in a relationship takes any of this away from you, but if you are like me and got out of an unhealthy relationship, you need this time. You need this time to love yourself and to be that example of how others should love you. You need this time to set boundaries. But not only those things, you need this time to forgive yourself. If I jump into anything now or would have after my last relationship, I would have postponed my healing process. I would have potentially found someone else who wouldn't treat me right, someone else who would yell at me and call me names and do everything I once allowed. I let those things slide because I didn't love myself, I didn't set boundaries, and I blamed myself for being the reason those things happened to me. But now is different.

Now is the time I spend on myself, doing things that make me happy. Now I can leave for Thailand and join the Peace Corp without worrying about another individual. I can take long trips without feeling I need to come back. The world is mine now and I am more excited than ever for things that are out of my control. Yes, I want someone to hold me at night and to sleep next to someone who cares about me. Yes, I want someone to be there and to love me romantically. I somehow want all the things that I can essentially give myself or receive from people who unconditionally love me but respect my boundaries. And after my last relationship, I cannot let someone love me if I do not love myself. No guy will accept me for who I am when I am unsure of who I am. Sometimes I think I am ready but I know that that is just loneliness speaking. And I will be happy spending the rest of my life single if it means I am happy, and that is okay.

Cover Image Credit: Jessica Polar

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11 Ways You Found The Cristina To Your Meredith

"We're friends, real friends, and that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally decide to look back, I'll still be here."

The term "my person" describes the relationship between two people who have reached the highest level of friendship. They're people who have ridden the roller coaster of life together for so long that their lives would be boring without each other. In "Grey's Anatomy," the characters of Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang describe each other as each other's "person." They have a perfect friendship. Everyone (including myself) strives to achieve a friendship like theirs. What is it like to have "your person?"

1. Your person will tell it like it is.

If you think that your new haircut looks bad or if that dress makes you look fat, your person is always there to reassure you that nobody cares.

2. Your person is always on your team.

Whether it's an argument between you and your parents or you and your boyfriend/girlfriend, your person will always be there. They will go to bat for you 10/10 times and they will always be there to have your back.

3. Your person will celebrate the small victories with you.

Did you go an entire day without crying? Awesome, let's celebrate! Did you eat something other than chocolate chip cookies for breakfast? That's wonderful! The small victories count the most.

4. They will listen to you, even when you are ranting about the craziest things.

Let's face it, we have all been there. When it's late at night and we're laying in bed, thinking of the world's hardest questions, and you start to think about crazy scenarios, your person is always there to listen.

5. People instantly think that you and your person are a couple.

You aren't a couple, you just understand each other on a much higher level, so people think that you guys are in a relationship. Just go with it.

6. Your person isn't afraid to tell you that they are embarrassed by you.

Everyone gets embarrassed about each other at one point or another. Most people just pretend that it doesn't happen. Your person is going to flat out tell you that your actions and the things that you say embarrass the crap out of them.

7. Your person isn't afraid to knock you down a few notches.

Just when you think that you are on top of the world, your person will come and pop the growing balloon known as your head. They aren't afraid to snap you back into reality.

8. They will build you up faster than they will tear you down.

Yes, they will bring you back to reality and tell you like it is, but they will also be the first one to encourage you and to tell you how wonderful you are.

9. Your person is not afraid to call your bluff.

They will call you out on your BS and make you tell them how you really feel, so they can help fix you.

10. You stick together no matter what.

Even though you get mad at each other, or don't speak for a few days, you will always stick together.

11. In the end, no matter what, no matter who comes in and out of your life, your person will always be your person.

Your person is there no matter what. They care when no one else does and they are always there to hold your hand.

Find your person and never let them go. They are your best friend, your worst enemy, and your biggest critic, but they know you better than you know yourself sometimes.

As for my "person," you know who you are. I love you and couldn't do life without you.

Cover Image Credit: YouTube

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Blood Doesn't Determine Family

Blended families are just as much of a family as a traditional one.


If you look above, you can see that have a very large family on my mother's side. Between my grandparents, aunts and uncle, cousins and my own immediate family, we're at thirty-three members and counting. All branches of our family tree have busy lives, so we don't get to see each other as much as often as we would hope to. Christmas is the one time a year where we all finally get together for the evening. If you sat in on our holiday party, you may think that we have a couple screws loose, but there is no doubt that you would be able to feel the love radiating from room to room.

If you look at the picture I chose for my header, you can see all of the cousins gathered for our yearly picture. Dysfunctional, of course, but you can tell that love is there. Would it surprise you that out of our entire huge family, less than half of us are blood-related?

I come from a blended family, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Blood does not determine family to us. Love does.

Divorce can be a messy thing, especially when children are involved. Both my aunt and uncle had remarried into relationships that already had children. For the most part, none of us can really ever remember a time when we weren't considered family. We don't ever look at each other as not being related. We never will. Family to us is the love and support that is shared unconditionally between us.

As I said, you would never be able to tell we weren't blood-related unless I told you. Not only do we all look similar to one another (which again is odd, because if the marriages had never taken place, we would just have a ton of doppelgangers running around), but the love and passion that we radiate is unmistakable that we have a bond that will never be broken, let alone determined by biology.

Blended families tend to get a bad rap sometimes from some of the horror stories that can come from second marriages. Not only that, but some people still are stuck in the idea that the only socially acceptable type of family is one where the lineage is clear and concise. Although I can see where these people come from, I don't believe that because there is a lack of shared genetics between all of us, our love is any less strong.

Family is those who will answer a call or text late at night because you need someone to talk to. They're the ones that you end up staying at their house and talking for hours when you meant to make a quick trip in. They are there for you no matter the situation and always believe in you one hundred percent.

Traditional families have a lot of love too, undoubtedly. But please, do not tell me that my family is any less of a family of a family because of its makeup. We have just as much love between us as families with the same bloodline. Blood does not determine the amount of love and affection between all of us. It never will. We will love each other as much as a traditional family. We never look at each other as a mixed family, so please stop treating us as such.

I've said it so many times, but I'll remind you once more. Blood does not determine family, love does-- and I love my family more than life itself.

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