I'm single and...maybe, kind of, not really, ready to mingle. I made a commitment to myself that I would remain celibate for the entirety of my undergraduate education, but do I really want to?
Am I single? Yes, very much so. But whether or not I want to be single changes on a weekly basis. Some weeks, I'll be a strong independent woman who don't need no man, but others, I'll just really want cuddles from someone that's not my roommate. (Be not mistaken, roommie, I love your cuddles, but sometimes a girl just wants some male cuddles.)
Sometimes I feel so desperately single I will decide to text that guy that I'd been putting off texting because I felt to strong and independent before. Other times, I will be aggressively clear that I do not want anything near a relationship and assert my fierce independence.
College and relationships is a weird combination. Because even on the days that I feel desperately single, I refuse to settle, especially for casual sex. If I'm going to put time and effort into something, it sure as hell better be worth it.
Deciding whether or not I want to give up my status as a single lady is almost an everyday, inner battle. (Dear reader, please do not assume that I have any prospect of losing that status anytime soon.) Sometimes I wonder, would it demean my independence to be in a relationship? Would I be an awful girlfriend? Would I always be scared of getting hurt, and cut off what could have been a wonderful relationship? Would I be able to commit myself fully, without the fear of being hurt? These are all questions I struggle to answer.
Also, boys are the worst. The two boys in my life that I've got past two feet with have both turned out to be awful, for various reasons.
So here I am.
***
I've not always been fiercely independent.
It came with time.
I built my confidence, and essentially my entire self, over the course of several years.
What's frustrating is this: even now that I am at a point where I feel so complete, where I am comfortable with myself, I can't find anyone to compliment my completeness, or anyone that is willing to. It doesn't hurt my pride- it only stubbornly reinforces that boys are silly, oblivious beings that aren't worth my time.
That's a sweeping overgeneralization, but when you're a girl that's only invested herself twice and reaped no rewards either time, you start to make those sweeping statements.
***
So then that guy that I think is kind of sort of cute will text me, and some days I'll buckle under the weight of everything, and other days I'll be totally indifferent.
Do I want a relationship?
If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. There are, after all, plenty of fish in the sea.
