"Abuse isn't always bruises and screaming matches. Sometimes it's much less obvious."
Something a lot of people don't understand is that abusive relationships don't just occur between an abusive male and a female. It can happen in any relationship and it isn't always a guy.
This list is to show you the many signs you should look for in yourself and your partner(s) in order to prevent becoming ensnared in an abusive relationship. If you find yourself committing any of these acts, it is important to work on getting away from these behaviors. Sometimes it can stem from issues with your own self-image. Before entering a relationship, you must first have a proper relationship with yourself. (I know it sounds a bit cheesy.)
1. Making decisions for the two of you without giving them a choice.
Everyone's opinion should go into a choice if it affects them. By imposing your own choice on them instead of coming to a decision together, you are negatively impacting your partner.
2. Isolating them from their friends and/or family.
This is a key abuser move. By cutting their ties with relatives and friends, you foster an environment where your partner is socially reliant upon you. This is unhealthy for their psyche and personal growth. When you enter a relationship, you are not signing off every other human being on the planet. You should always maintain your healthy friendships. (Of course, unhealthy relationships can exist between family, friends, coworkers, and colleagues.)
3. Using guilt to manipulate them.
I actually have a couple of examples that I feel comfortable sharing for this one. A few of my friends have found themselves in relationships. (Shocker!) Towards the end of those relationships, they would make an attempt to peacefully resolve the relationship and would be met by their partner threatening to commit suicide, harm his/herself, or commit some other act if they broke up with them.
When a relationship isn't working, it just isn't working. If your problems can't be worked out or your partner thinks it just isn't worth it, move on! You deserve someone who would go to the ends of the earth for you and that you would do the same for. There is more to the world than that one person. For one thing, there's you. You're pretty freakin' great.
4. Harassing them.
This one should be obvious but somehow ISN'T. If your partner is not answering your first three to five texts, there is a high chance that there is a reason. They are not under any obligation to exist with their cell phone glued to their hand, awaiting your beck and call.
People get busy, feel less talkative sometimes, leave their phone behind, etc.
While on the subject of harassing, it is STILL technically stalking if you follow your significant other without their knowledge. Strangely enough, the law does not permit paranoid-driven humanoids invading the privacy of their partner. (Cast a stern glare towards private investigators that are almost by definition paid stalkers.)
If you think your significant other is cheating, you obviously do not trust them. Talk to them about it. Always consult your partner about concerns you have about the relationship. If things don't work out, you will be happier in the long run.
On a side note, repeatedly showing up at their house without notice and knocking and/or pounding on the door until they answer is also not okay.
5. Forcing them to give you their passwords.
I don't even hide anything on my accounts, but I still keep my password to myself. It is about my personal privacy. You should never force someone to give you their password whether that be to their phone, computer, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Netflix, etc.
This is another issue of trust. You need to have trust in your partner. Without trust, there is no relationship.
6. Telling them they cannot be friends with people of whatever gender they are attracted to.
Remember my second point? This goes pretty hand in hand with that. If you are a woman with a heterosexual male partner, then you should not be forbidding him from having female friends. If he is friends with a girl, then that is okay. He is with you. In that scenario, you also have the right to have other male friends besides him. Jealousy can be a dangerous thing. It is hard to deal with, but you cannot let it damage your relationship.
Again, TRUST.
7. Telling them they cannot talk to people of whatever gender they are attracted to.
Let me just stare into the depths of your soul for a minute as I direct you back to points 2 and 6. TRUST. YOUR. PARTNER. If you cannot trust your partner then you have much bigger problems than him or her gabbing with someone else.
8. Coercing sex.
No means no. By that, I mean that if your partner says no, that means no- be it sex, a rematch of Monopoly, or going out for Thai food.
Forcing your partner to consent to sex isn't really consent. They didn't want it. If that form of intimacy is important to you, TALK to your partner. It is important for all aspects of your relationship to be healthy and cooperative.
9. Belittling them.
Criticism can be healthy- actively insulting someone and putting them down for their flaws is not. People are often aware of their flaws and making a point of them can be detrimental to their self-esteem. Abusive partners might do this to gain control of their partner.
Don't.
10. Recalling their mistakes constantly.
I don't know about everyone, but I have not met a single person that enjoy being reminded of their past mistakes. What's done is done. They are probably looking to move forward from the incident.
If the mistake is truly something you can't move past, then you might want to reconsider whether or not you should be in the relationship. Some mistakes can be that big. It is okay to walk away.
11. "No one else will ever love you."
If that line ever leaves your mouth in any variation, it is a good time to sit back and reconsider your actions. The minutes following that internal contemplation could possibly be filled with an apology.
12. Accusing them of cheating whenever they are not with you.
People do not immediately become terrible and untrustworthy when they leave your side. If your trust issues are so severe that you cannot handle your partner being apart from you without becoming suspicious, it would be a great idea to write down your thoughts. Seeing things on paper can sometimes help you recognize and irrational train of thought.
13. Invading their privacy.
I'm not going to go into a long tirade about this. You should not snoop through your partner's phone or social media.You do not have a right to every aspect of their life- especially not without their consent.
14. Forcing them to show affection.
While affection is a prominent aspect of most romantic relationships, you cannot force affection through emotional manipulation, threats of physical action, or claims of self-abuse.
Always try to see things through your partner's eyes and remember to TALK. TO. THEM.
15. Making them choose between you and their friends/family.
Forcing someone into that kind of decision is often unnecessary, emotionally damaging, and a first class ticket to Texas. (All my exes live in Texas.)
If they have plans with their friends or family, then that is that. You shouldn't try to force them to abandon those plans to spend time with you. On that note, you also shouldn't bail on your friends or family for your significant other. That's rude.
16. Testing them.
Do not send his number to a stranger or friend to try to see if they will remain loyal to you. That is a recipe for disaster and goes to further prove that you are insecure in your relationship. Focus on the problems that actually exist in the relationship and work on them- together, please.
Catfishing your significant other is really messed up and unhealthy for you as well as them.
This goes for any form of testing your partner without their knowledge, especially if you use the results against them. You're not clever- a wee bit creepy, but not clever.
17. Taking money or things from them.
Stealing is wrong.
18. Asserting dominance over them by being cruel to him in public.
Don't treat people like crap- especially not for a power trip. Relationships should be about an equal playing field between the partners involved.
19. Threatening them.
Threatening to physically harm them, damage their personal or professional relationships, cause them to lose their livelihood, or inflict any other harm on their personage is wrong.
20. Yelling at them.
Making your voice louder will not get your point across. Verbal abuse is abuse and it can cause long-lasting emotional wounds.
21. Inflicting physical harm on them.
This is what most people think of when they hear "abusive". They picture bruises and black eyes along with a poor excuse. Often, these wounds are hidden where you can't see them. Physically harming someone for any reason beyond self-defense is reprehensible.
Long story short, abusive relationships are complicated, nasty things. Anyone can be an abuser regardless of size, age, gender, or sexuality.
