Some say there is nothing more precious than democracy. Today I call upon you, as a citizen of the community, to engage in the beautiful traditions of our country. Please sign this petition asking the Mayor to be my valentine.
Why, you ask, would the Mayor be the perfect Valentine? Allow me to paint you a portrait of the most wonderful person on the planet.
The Mayor has faithfully served our little village for years. They're at every school opening. They shop locally. Even when they go out to eat, and probably just want to sit and eat a meal in peace for once in their life, they make time to greet all the children who approach them. I understand that being the Mayor's Valentine may require me also greeting the children, but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make.
The Mayor obviously has the heart of a poet. Their live tweeting of the Breaking Bad finale was a piece of art that rivals the series itself. I'm almost afraid to take them on a date to a museum: should their commentary prove too elegant, I just might swoon.
Anyone who's ever taken the time out of their day to tune into our local TV station and watched a ribbon cutting would have to admit that our Mayor is quite the scissoring pro. They handle those blades with the precision of an alien that has studied human culture thoroughly and thus is adequately adept at most basic skills. The Mayor could probably cut a heart out of paper, no problem. They've already cut the heart out of me.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Whoa, I totally failed to notice the amazingness of this public servant, and not only do I want to apologize for undervaluing them, but not I want them to be my Valentine!"
Well, aside from the fact that I called dibs, there's an issue with that. First, you can't just walk straight up and deliver the roses you so carefully selected to the Mayor's office, because you will meet up with some security guards who have NO CONCEPT OF ROMANCE.
Thankfully, one of my colleagues got the incident on film.
Yes, we are definitely suing.
Ahem.
Hence the need for a petition. As I'm sure you've noticed, it is both pink and floral-scented, which is sure to make it stand out. It will enter the Mayor's office in a burst of color and fragrance.
"Oh, what's this?" they'll say, startled by the bit of excitement that has drifted into their routine day.
Then, with trembling hands, they'll grasp the petition, the perfect storm of civil action and romance, a hundred names strong, with the signatures arranged to read- "BE MY VALENTINE".
Presumably, there will be a waiting period of fifteen minutes as they struggle to recover from the tsunami of suave they just drowned beneath. Then I'll receive a phone call, we'll set up somewhere for dinner, it'll be...
Wow, yes, thanks for your signature. I can see you're busy, thank you so much. I'll mention you in our wedding toast!...oh. I see. You wrote...I'm not saying that at a wedding.
But...I will count it as a signature.
Please send this to your friends so they can also sign the petition for the Mayor to be my Valentine. It's your civic duty!
