My parents’ divorce was not amicable. It was not a civil parting that ended with two signatures and a handshake. It was a long, horrific, drawn out process. At the time, I was fifteen and my younger sister was ten. That five-year difference may not seem significant, but it made all the difference in how we both handled the divorce.

Somehow, being a teenager meant that I saw and heard all the dirty details about the separation. All of the skeletons and secrets were out on the table, and I will never be able to forget about them. My sister, on the other hand, had no idea what was going on behind closed doors.

While my parents fought about the uncertain future, my sister hid in her room and cried. She was too young to understand what the screaming meant, so I held her and distracted her until the fighting faded. In those moments, I felt responsible for her. I wanted to protect her from the hurt that I knew was coming.

This desire to protect her from harm became present in every situation. Walking around in the mall, I had to have eyes on her at all times. When she went to spend the night with a friend, I had to know where she was and what she was doing.

Now that she is a sixteen-year-old girl with a boyfriend, my protective tendencies are off the charts. Sometimes my overprotectiveness is so extreme that my mother tells me to calm down and let my sister learn for herself. My mind knows she is right, but my instincts tell me to wrap my sister in bubble wrap and keep her at home, Rapunzel style.

I don’t think this worry and desire to protect my sister will ever go away. I couldn’t protect her from the pain of our parent’s divorce. I couldn’t protect her from her deathly allergy to cashews, or her first painful breakup.

I don’t think she knows how much I love and cherish her, and how much I want her life to be full of happiness. Because of our past, I will always want to protect her from pain.

Don’t get me wrong, our parents are not terrible people. In fact, my mother is one of the best people I know. But there is no denying that the pain had an effect on us that can’t be undone.

Despite this pain, I am a firm believer that God can make good things out of horrible situations. The good that came from my past is my unconditional love for my sister. I would not go back in time and change that for anything.

Love you, sis.