I’ve known Peyton since middle school. He was always that quiet kid I didn’t really notice until he sat by me in Algebra II with Trig in the tenth grade. Come to find, he was pretty funny. He knew how to do a Miranda Sings impression just like me. We both made 90 somethings on our tests all the time. He was awkward and shy and I was gangly and a bit annoying. I always drew on his paper with my pen. But I never would’ve thought that a year later I’d be the one sitting outside his house in my car, trying to catch my breath, acting a complete fool.
It was a cold January night in 2016, and my heart was racing. I couldn’t feel my nose, and I couldn’t get the shakes to stop. I pressed send.
“Would you come outside?”
He took forever. He’s always done everything so slowly. Casually tapping my fingers on the steering wheel, I pretended that I didn’t see his figure descending to my car.
The right words took their sweet time finding their way to my mouth. My heart twisted into knots when I finally said it, but my decision was met with a bout of complete silence. The kind of silence where you’re scared to even keep breathing because there would be no other sound.
I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I wasn’t a romantic; I had only ever been on a few dates with a few guys, but I never took a liking to them. I had divorced parents and a tendency to believe that love was a myth. The thought of holding hands in public made my stomach turn. The word “baby” was gag-worthy. Why was I doing this again?
But I’ve always trusted my gut. I was completely uncertain about everything except for the one fact that every time I was away from Peyton, I longed to be with him. I had to tell him that or I would explode, it seemed.
The second the words came out of my mouth, I immediately regretted everything. This will ruin our friendship. He’ll never speak to me again. Look at him, he thinks I’m completely idiotic.
After half an hour of begging him to say something- anything- a million times over, he finally gave me an answer.
I had braced myself for him to laugh at me or to let me down gently. But he didn’t. In fact, he’d had a crush on me for a long time.
It hasn’t been easy. Sometimes we fight, and sometimes we’d rather just laugh instead of talking about our feelings, and sometimes I want to quit. But knowing that someone genuinely cares for you, knowing that someone has seen all the ugly things inside your head and they’re still there is something scared. Something priceless. He’s helped shape who I am. He’s made me better than I could’ve been.
I will always thank myself for turning down his road that night and for pressing send. I will always thank myself for being brave.
There isn’t any harm in telling people the truth about what’s inside your head. Your life is entirely too short to waste it pretending to not care, to not feel anything. Usually, you’re not the only one feeling that way, and there’s nothing more exciting than finding out that’s true. I promise that the world won't explode.
You will always regret it if you don’t say anything. You will always wonder what could have been, and you’ll never be able to get that moment back when you decided not to turn down his road or to press send. I know I would’ve.
