Experience is such a relative term. It could mean a variety of things. But as a nineteen year-old, it meant this:

“I’ve never had a date to… anything,” I admitted, ashamed of my “inexperience." The guy sitting across from me looked at me as if that really didn’t make any difference to him. “Well, I mean, I did have a date to prom, but I had to ask him to go with me.” The same guy, who had probably had girls clawing to go to prom with him, looked as about affected as he would if I had told him his hair was black. Later on, in the car, we were talking and he had asked me if I had ever cuddled with anyone, to which I promptly told him, “No.” He laughed, whether at me or because he thought it was cute, I will never know. My insecurity flared up and anger welled up within me as I huffed loudly.

“Don’t judge me.” I growled, and he sobered up very quickly, muttering an apology.

I hadn’t done lots of things that my friends had by the time we reached our twenties and the “lack of experience” with dating, sex and men, in general, would be appalling to any Cosmo columnist. I was ashamed of my inexperience, and it caused me to do things that I regret (if just a little bit) to this day. I thought the reason I was “inexperienced” was because I was “too Christian” or “too picky” and even “too intimidating." I had to learn to get over this “fear of seeming inadequate” and learn how to accept the fact that I didn’t do plenty of things because of this simple fact:

I just wasn’t ready.

The fact that I regret anything means I wasn’t ready to do said things. You might be in the same situation. Honestly, I used to blame it on my lack of opportunities. But I realized (after my “spring awakening” on a overseas cruise with a boy I was too good for) that I was very good looking and just very intimidating to boys who didn’t have their lives together, which was 75-80% of the population I had encountered up until that point. I knew what I wanted, and I wasn’t going to settle for second-best, which is what many of my girlfriends (and I) did during our high-school years. I also had a tendency to chase after the totally immature boys (read: sarcasm factor) and the fact that I was chasing them was a whole deal in itself. I had to fully realize that a relationship, friendship or whatever that had to do with a man would do one of two things:

1. Happen on it’s own.

OR

2. Never happen at all.

I had to learn to be okay with that and not blame myself for not doing X, Y and Z.

Look, I know I’m an amazing woman. I can speak three different languages (one of which is dead, but who cares), I can dance until the carpet wears thin, and I can do all sorts of things you’ve never even dreamt of (and I’m darn good at it). While all of my friends were out going on dates, I was honing my craft(s), learning ancient arts and exploring the world every chance I got. Now, when I get to share my life with a man, I can share all of those things that make me unique because I learned all of that instead of moping because I’d never been on a date before or danced with a guy who was really interested in me. Now, this is not to bash on my friends and their life choices, because they have become amazing women through their experiences, and I literally wouldn’t have it any other way (because when it comes down to it, they know more about certain topics than I do, and I need their advice often). They also did lots of things that interested them when they dated, so really, we’re on a somewhat even playing field. But, now I know it’ll happen when I’m really ready for it. They might have been ready for those experiences before I was, and that’s wonderful. But, it doesn’t mean you or I are slower.

We must learn to take life at our own pace and not rush experiences. The best analogy I can attribute to this is eating a chocolate bar (or eating anything, for that matter). You could probably eat the chocolate bar much faster than I could, but if I ate it as fast as you, I’d get sick. Then I’d regret eating the chocolate bar altogether instead of reminding myself that it’s not the chocolate bar’s fault I got sick but my own because I ate it too fast. I try not to have too many things that I blame myself for (“NO RAGRETS” is a hard motto to stick to, for me), but when I do, I learn from them.

TL;DR: You might just not be ready to do those things which would make you “experienced”. And that’s okay.

“We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you…As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson, Our Greatest Fear