Lately these days - or at least, where I come from - it seems as though a lot of people of my generation are getting married really young, getting serious pretty fast, have been together for quite sometime, or are all in all with someone regardless. I don't know how it feels different these days, or why it is, but having a boyfriend or girlfriend is like having an accessory, or something people want really badly because nobody likes to be alone, and society makes it seem like the "it" thing. The thing that makes everyone happy. They're right about that - relationships are wonderful. But, sometimes we can't afford a relationship and it's difficult to admit because there is so much immense pressure on " not being alone". I know that sounds slightly harsh and a little bit bias, but it makes sense if you think about it. All over social media, Facebook for example, you see pictures and posts on your news feed all having to do with "having the best boyfriend", or "being the most amazing girlfriend" - you know what I'm talking about. Beyond that, people use Facebook and Instagram (for example) to show off their relationship status. It's literally everywhere.

Before you go off thinking that I'm a jealous person, please hear me out on what I'm going to say. That's not really it at all. I'm single because that's my choice, and yes, it is kind of hard if I'm going to be honest. There are some things going on in my life that make it hard to be with someone at this point. I am slightly jealous of the world, and the people with seemingly picture perfect relationships (I'm not going to lie about that. We're only human) and I do feel like I'm missing out - that staying in watching Gossip Girl on Netflix and eating cereal in bed is the lamest thing. The world is turning! Life is happening! Go out and meet people! Everything is tossed right at us; what is popular and what we should be doing. I get sucked in sometimes, pressured when in comparison to those who seem to have it all great and thrive through the most amazing relationship. They go out on dates and do romantic things, and yep - there I am, sitting on my computer at 2 in the morning re-blogging things on Tumblr all by myself. But there is nothing wrong with that. I choose this. And I want to be comfortable with it.

I want to love myself completely before having the strength to let someone in. Because right now, I don't have the mental capacity and bravery to just take that risk - so why push it? That's one risk I am not willing to take, because it's not worth it, not yet anyway. I think the most important person right now, is me. A lot of people say that finding someone will help you be a better person, and that it will help you to love yourself more. That's wonderful and I do see where they're coming from and in some aspects, yes, I do agree. However, this is my decision and my opinion. I want to be whole. I don't like the idea of finding someone when I am half broken and dealing with my own battles - because I've done that before and they've all turned out messy - messy in a way where they wanted to fix me piece by piece and I would rely on them for happiness and forget that I was a human, in my own body. Everything was on them. Granted, I was younger and now things might be a little different, but in the sense that I really need to be solo right now. Just for the time being, until I have figured things out and have learned to fully love myself. I don't know about anyone else and I of course cannot speak for anyone else, but I know that I have gone through quite about and I have been really mean to myself. The things that I've thought about myself, my lack of confidence, doubting my intelligence, having low self-esteem and constantly CONSTANTLY comparing myself to others around me. I would compare myself to everyone who was with someone, and I would think I was unwanted. I would feel so much like a pathetic, undesirable loser who was unimportant. Then, I feel guilty because I am aware that I have friends and family that will do anything for me. But, what I'm feeling makes everything else seem irrelevant. It shouldn't be that way. I'm comfortable to share these things with people because I know that a million others in the world have felt this way too - it's only natural. But after feeling these things, I knew that they were valid and there was nothing for me to be ashamed of. I am allowed to feel like this, but I didn't want to sit and wallow and pity myself.

I'm going to love myself right now. I'm going to appreciate myself like no other person because how in the world can you love someone else, and let them in when you are having personal struggles? I'm sorry if anyone disagrees with me, but I just don't know how it's done, how it's healthy. I don't want to be "saved" or have someone that I can depend on all the time. I want to depend on myself, first. I want my next relationship to be healthy - but this current relationship is with me.

First and foremost, I want to acknowledge that it's okay to sit at home most nights by myself and watch movies, listen to music, make YouTube videos, play my ukulele, write, do homework, get things done, be happy, eat a lot, sleep a lot, read a lot, do me. Be me. I have me, and I want to treat myself because I really do deserve it - especially with what I have been putting myself through; unneeded pressure and anxiety because I feel as though I need to have a boyfriend to be happy. That is false. I want to really see that and believe that I can be 100 percent comfortable by myself. I want to abolish that stigma of "being alone or single makes you a loser". It's not.

I want to stop comparing myself to people. Whether it be my friends, my family members, a random person on the street - anyone, I just want to stop. I am the queen of comparing myself to people and trying to figure out why I'm not more like them. "Why can't I be more fearless like them? Why can't I be pretty like them?" All of these incredibly negative thoughts run rapidly through my brain and then I'm left feeling depressed and pathetic. I tell myself that I am alone because I don't look a certain way, I don't act a certain way and I am not "fun" enough. I tell myself that I am boring, and I would rather stay in than go to a wild party. I forget that that is perfectly OKAY. Instead, I beat myself up over silly little things that will be quite minuscule in the future. I'm doing better than I think I am. I want to see that more, give myself more credit for not giving in to pressure and society, and for not going along with everyone else, just because I have a fear of being alone right now and I am insecure with myself. I think I have been underestimating myself for a long time.

I want to look at nothing but the positive, wonderful qualities about myself.

I'm a singer
I'm a dancer
I'm a comedian
I'm a writer
I'm a violinist
I'm learning ukulele
I'm a best friend
I'm a family member
I'm a sister
I'm a daughter
I'm a great listener
I'm patient
I'm compassionate
I'm supportive
I'm understanding
I'm creative
I'm intelligent
I'm wise
I'm intuitive
I'm always curious
I'm resilient

I want to become immersed into my world and my internal being that sometimes I forget that there is a real world happening outside of my brain. I know that sounds a bit odd and ironic, but I feel that if I become more in touch with myself, I will later on be comfortable with letting someone in. I want to be excited, I want to travel and learn more about the depths of my soul that I haven't even discovered yet. I know that there is so much about me that I don't realize because I get so wrapped up in the rest of the world, worrying about people around us and what we have to do - the pressures that come with it. I want to feel inspired again, and not on the account of someone else. I stopped writing a lot when I wasn't with anyone, and I don't want all of my stories or songs to just be romantic based, or from my own personal experiences with love. I want to write a mystery, I want to talk about politics more, I want to study abroad and take pictures of beautiful sights. I want to eat a new dish, I want to take in everything that I have been passing by for awhile, now. I want to know that there is more in life than just "being with someone romantically" and having a relationship with a guy. In my opinion, younger people have become so afraid of being alone that they feel the need to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend just to avoid that empty part of their lives that they don't want to face, or just because it's such a popular thing to obtain in our world these days. It's sad, and I don't like it. Romance is quite popular, and as humans we crave it - I understand that. But there is more to life than revolving around the idea of having someone right now. I think if I reflect more on myself and love myself, I'll be that one step closer to being comfortable enough to let someone in - someday. As for now, I am going to try really hard on loving the person that I am, and looking at all of the positive aspects that come with being me - Julia Renee Busshardt.