Dear my friend/my angel,

I guess I should start by saying I miss you but that's not what I'm going to do. Because even though I do miss you, I'm still angry with you. It's been almost a year and I am still holding this grudge. How could you have chosen drugs over life? I do not understand and now I never will.

I had gotten you to quit briefly once before but we drifted apart and then you started talking to my best friend. You came back into my life but I couldn't act like I cared. You and my friend ended things and you started telling me that you still cared about me and that you were looking for me in her the entire time. You told her all of this, too, and she got angry but not with you. She got angry with me. She told me that she didn't appreciate me talking to you.

So I chose my friendship with her over a possible relationship with you.

Less than 2 months later, I got a phone call from that same friend telling me that you had passed away. It was a Tuesday and I was still at school away from home. I didn't believe her, I thought she was pulling some sick joke on me. Then I checked social media and the nightmare began.

You had overdosed and gone into cardiac arrest.

I couldn't breathe. I fell to the ground and looked for the nearest trashcan, I knew I would need to vomit in it soon. I sobbed and sobbed until I had a panic attack. My roommate came in from her class, noticing how much of a mess I was and asked what was wrong. I couldn't even get the words out: *Blank* is dead.

I went to class despite my roommate's protests. I knew that by going to class, your death wouldn't be on my mind. Or at least that's what I thought. I sat there listening to my classmates discuss our upcoming final project and my only friend in that class asked me why I was being so quiet, so distant. I just looked at him. I snapped at him to leave me alone. I regret it now because a few days later, when I finally told him that you had left me, he hugged me and let me cry in his arms. I haven't seen him since I transferred.

The week of your death was one of the most difficult weeks of my life. I couldn't even come home for your memorial service because finals were beginning the following week. I smoked about a half a pack of cigarettes that week and I don't smoke. The only person that knew that was my roommate. She was with me when I smoked them. I struggled with the lighter which was weird because I'm normally really good with lighters. She said that was a sign but I brushed it off. Even in death you were probably still mad at me.

We went on top of one of the parking garages near our dorm because tobacco wasn't allowed on campus. It was a cloudy night so we couldn't see the stars. Do you remember talking about the stars to me? You told me once that you saw stars in my eyes and that all of the stars in the universe could't add up to how much I meant to you. I told my roommate about this that night on the roof of the parking garage. As I'm crying, she gasps. "Oh my god."

I followed her gaze to the sky. There was one single star shining clear as day.

In a cloudy night sky in a busy city filled with lights, there was the sign that I needed so desperately in a time that I felt like I was completely and utterly alone. I needed to know that you were okay and that you were looking out for me. That star gave me reassurance.

But now I can't look at them, the stars.

I'll always wonder what might have been had you not chosen drugs over life, over a future, over me. I wonder what might have been had I chosen to fight for us. Could I have saved you from yourself? Could I have helped you turn your life around? I don't know but I wish I did.

You will always hold a piece of my heart. You will always be the only guy to call me "princess" without me asking. I will always love you.

With all my love,

Your Princess