She sits at the bar alone while everyone socializes and dances. She stands in the circle without an ounce of acknowledgement from any soul there. She laughs and joins in on the conversations only to be ignored. She applies for leadership opportunities only to receive word that there were better candidates which is code for someone less awkward or more experience.
She has big dreams in life. She aspires to be a leader and change people's lives. She wants to spread love and kindness. She wants to be there for anyone and everyone. She wants friends that will do the same when she needs it.
She's tired of being alone. She asks a friend to come study, but they're out at a restaurant. She asks a friend what they're doing on a Friday night; they're going to a party. She says okay and presses play on her movie because that friend doesn't reply again to invite her. She asks a friend to have dinner with her, but they now need to study or don't have money; she eats alone once again.
She is rarely a first choice. Someone else comes along, and she's put to the side. She often sits alone in her room, watching Netflix or studying. Her few friends go out,whether it be for food or to a party, and she sees the Snapchat Stories. She fills with envy and longing, knowing they haven't even thought of her.
She wonders. Is she good enough? Do they care about her? Will they invite her next time? Should she ask? Should she invite herself? Should she just go out alone? Should she find new friends?
These questions sit in her mind. No, she's not good enough, she tells herself. No, they probably don't care. If they did care, they would have invited her. So no, they won't invite her next time. Don't ask, it'll just make it worse. Never go alone or with a group that didn't offer an invitation. Finally, the same thing will happen with anyone she befriends, so no new friends.
This viciously sad cycle repeats for three nights every week. She can't escape it, and eventually the meter fills. Once full, she crumbles. She spends a night crying, writing down all of her feelings, and making bad decisions. Then for a week or so, she is numb. She feels nothing, and that resets her.
Then it all begins again.
She is tired. She is strong. She is real.
