According to the World Health Organization, 350 million people worldwide suffer from depression. Yet, while that number is staggering, there are a lot of stigmas still attached to the disorder. As someone who suffers from both depression and anxiety, let me tell you: it is the hardest thing to live with. I have had numerous broken bones, I’ve had dry socket (which is like, one of the most painful things to have ever); I’ve been through a lot of illnesses and pains, but I would live them all again to get rid of my depression. Physical pain is completely different from psychological pain, and sometimes it feels like there’s really no way to understand depression unless you’ve been through it. I’ve tried countless times to explain it to my boyfriend or friends or family, but it’s really so hard to explain what’s going on with your brain when you barely know.

Here are ten things that people with depression wish they could tell you:

1. Depression cannot be controlled.

Have you ever had the flu? Or a broken arm? Has anyone ever told you to “stop” having the flu or the broken arm? No. Because that’s not how it works. Similarly, you can’t just tell people to stop having depression or to stop being sad. Like, do you know how dumb that sounds? “Stop being sad.” Oh, okay, great, thanks Brenda! I never thought to just stop being sad. First of all, who the hell would just choose to be sad? Like, of all the things in the world to feel, who would pick sadness to feel all of the time? Second, trust me, when I’m depressed, I’m trying anything in the world to make me feel happy, even if it’s just for a minute. But that doesn’t really help, and it certainly doesn’t fix anything.

2. Physically, I could get out of bed. Mentally, I cannot.

For a lot of people with depression, bed is the only safe space. It offers comfort and shelter from the world and the judging eyes of others. I can cry openly and loudly, with big ugly tears, and not have to try to hold myself together for the sake of appearances. Sometimes, thinking about having to just deal with regular life when I’m too sad to function is so draining that I can’t get up. Stop calling me lazy; it’s literally a coping mechanism.

3. I know I look sick.

When I’m depressed, I don’t have the energy to do my makeup or hair. Quite frankly, I’m lucky if I can get dressed in the morning. I have other things to worry about, like pretending to be okay. Oh, do I look tired? It’s because I slept a total of two hours last night, and cried for six. Leave my hair and face out of it. Bye.

4. I need some breathing room.

For me, my depression and anxiety gang up on me at once. I often have anxiety about my depression (and rarely, vice versa), so it feels like my whole world is crashing around my ears. Literally. If you’ve never had a panic attack in the middle of an episode of depression where you’re sitting on the floor, gasping for air, with tears streaming down your face, and your heart just hurts so much that you feel it through your whole body, you’re lucky. But I have. And while hugging someone in this position might seem like a good idea, don’t be offended when I demand my space. I need to breathe, and I need to figure out how to get back on my feet. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your help; I just need a minute to myself.

5. Don’t be offended if I cancel plans.

Trust me, it’s not that I don’t want to see you. I would love nothing more than to go out and have a glass of wine with some friends, but I will be exhausted and therefore (in my case) grumpy the whole time, counting down the minutes until I can crawl back into my bed and escape the world. I still love you, I still want to hang out, but just not during an episode.

6. I have no idea how long my depression episodes will last.

“Well, when will you feel better?” I know that this question is posed by well-meaning people, but nothing infuriates me more (except maybe the “Why don’t you just stop?”) than someone who thinks there is some sort of time limit to being depressed. I’ve gone through periods of depression that last two weeks, and I’ve gone through periods of depression that last two months. There is no timer on the depression clock. There can be bad episodes followed by periods of less severe symptoms. For me, luckily, it goes away for a longer period of time than it stays. Like, I can go years without a huge episode. Sometimes, for me, it’s seasonal. But it’s always there. It’s always present, so the answer to that question is it will last forever. The episodes may come and go, but it will always be a part of my life.

7. I need to be reassured that you care.

I’ll be honest, during bad episodes, I am a real b*tch. I can be so mean and I don’t mean to do it, but my mind just goes haywire and I lash out. I am immediately sorry about it, and then I get scared. I get scared that I’m going to push people away because I’m being psychotic. I need to be reassured that I am loved (even if I’m crazy) and that nothing I do can push people away. Tell me you love me. Tell me I’m going to be okay. Make me feel loved, even though I feel like I don’t deserve it.

I know that loving someone with depression can be just as challenging as having the disorder itself, but if there’s one thing you need to know, it’s that there will be brighter days. I know a lot of people who suffer from depression, and they love deeper and harder because they know how it feels to feel unloved and unwanted, and they don’t want anyone else feeling that. So be patient, be strong, and remind them that episodes don’t last forever.