Selfish, adjective:
"Having or showing only concern for yourself and not for the needs or feelings of other people"
"You are being so selfish right now!"
This is something I hear quite often. Sometimes along with "immature," "ignorant," "arrogant," or "thoughtless." These are not fun names to be called, and while I certainly have had my fair share of immature acts (as many of us have), I can keep my cool because to some people, setting boundaries is considered being selfish. Okay.
No = Selfish
All of my life, I learned to be a good girl and make everyone else happy to the best of my abilities.
Most people have an innate desire to help others out, to do good things, and accept everything that comes their way. This is often seen as a good trait: thoughtful, selfless, kind, mature, etc. I have always striven to be that person, who helps others before themselves, who forgives endlessly, and most importantly, thinks of myself last. Why is this so? Why are we taught that in order to be seen as a good person, we should allow ourselves to be walked all over by others? This is something I have always struggled with, the concept of being "selfish." I have finally come to the realization that this is entirely okay.
Setting boundaries and learning to say no is okay.
It is okay to not say yes to working extra hours on your shift every single week because you are exhausted and have homework and sleep to catch up on.
It is okay to not say yes to driving friends around all night, even if they offer you gas money.
It is okay to not take on the entire group project, even though you could do it all on your own.
It is okay to cut toxic people out of your life without justifying or explaining yourself.
It is okay to not let people take advantage of you, even if they've done it a million times before.
It is okay to not allow your life to be controlled by other people, by expectations, or by society.
It is okay to not live up to all of everyone's expectations, and focus on your own.
It is okay to set your own goals, and set aside other people's aspirations for you.
The list could go on, and I'm sure that you get the point. I'm sure while reading this list, at least once inside you cringed at the thought of not doing one of these things, and the thought of being looked at as "selfish." As a society, we are taught that being "selfish" is bad. We're told it makes you a bad friend, bad family member, bad student, bad employee, and an overall bad person.
It is time that we break this stigma surrounding "selfishness." The problem is that none of the things listed above are selfish at all. The definition of true selfishness states that you disregard how other people may be affected, which you don't have to do. It is okay to still consider other people, it is okay to help people out! It is not okay, however, to think of everyone else's emotions and feelings before your own.
In fact, I have learned that it is a better way to live--for yourself, by your rules, your goals, and your personal expectations for yourself. If people don't support your "selfishness," they don't want you to grow as a person. They don't want you to learn your ability to say "no" because that means you are free from manipulation and control.
I have had strong people in my life, who helped me change my mindset surrounding "selfishness," and setting boundaries with the people I associate with. Strong people will always want to see you grow and thrive, improving yourself. Negative people will never understand nor respect your desire to be "selfish."
I think it also important to note that this is not me saying that it's right to never help anyone, or to not be a good friend, employee or family member, etc., but to remember that at the end of the day, the most important person to consider in any situation is yourself. If you are living in sadness, stress, and anxiety because you think of everyone else but never yourself, it is important to learn to say no, and be "selfish."
