Too often, couples in high school end up in relationships where neither party is mature enough to realize what is so obviously best for both of them. They suck, and they are usually both crazy and irrational towards each other, loving in lieu of some sick, messed up attachment. No one wants to be that person in that couple, because everyone else hates or judges them like I am doing right now, but the majority of first relationships end up that way. I have fallen victim to the same vice more than once and life gets complicated fast; before you know it, you have fully invested in a person and you are that couple.
Eventually, hopefully, most people grow out of this type of relationship after what is most likely the messiest breakup of their lives. Usually, someone in this situation will insist they and their significant other fight a lot, but they love each other. If it goes on long enough you become conscious of your own resilience to let go, but you still can't be let go of. One person told me their reasoning was that they didn't want to be with this person, but they don't want them to be with anyone else. The deciding factor that separates couples that go down this road, from couples that don't, is in the way you love -- which calls for a lot of personal growth, pointing to the commonality of this occurrence among young couples.
I call it the “selfish lover." I was guilty of being this person -- until I made a conscious decision not to be that kind of a person. It is easy to fall into the trap when you are new to relationships and are experiencing the raging hormones that literally bleed from your skin. You don't know what the hell love is when you first get a whiff of it. The truth is, when you fall in love in high school or for the first time, usually you are not being a selfless lover; you are loving that person because they give you want you want or what makes you feel good. You love the way they love you, and in return you give them the love they crave, too. Some might even argue that that is what love actually is, but I dare to hope that love is more than two selfish pursuits.
I remember dating someone and the breakup was so difficult, not because I missed him, but solely because I was lonely when it was over. I had this central relationship in my life that provided me with the love I was craving and once it was gone there was a gaping hole in my circle of relationships. Time allowed other relationships to blossom in it's place and, eventually, I was done being lonely and that person remained a stinging memory until someone else, who provided the love I sought, came along.
What is messed up about this cycle is that it is missing the one thing love is supposed to be: selflessness. I have held onto someone I probably shouldn't have because I was so attached to how he made me feel -- the selfish lover. That's why relationships get ugly and people find themselves in a three-year stream of bull they cannot get away from without having a life crisis and completely torching the good parts of the relationship.
When I realized the flaws in the way I loved people, my entire relationship experience changed. I realized maybe I had never really been in love with people I dated for north of 10 months. I forced myself to have the discipline not to be a selfish lover, and to love someone because of the substance of their identity, and not because of what they could do for me. That is not to say you should not be selfish; surely we should all be a little selfish. Don't let someone treat you badly because you think you're being selfless. But if you are falling in love with someone's attributes and individual beauty then you likely wouldn't fall in love with someone who would treat you badly because you would recognize their own selfish motives.
It takes a lot of discipline and maturity to resist pursuing someone because the are giving you what you want, but it's selfish to let it happen that way. Selfless love looks like an infatuation with someone's flaws and believing they are perfection. Missing the way they look when they are happy, and not because you need someone to toot your horn or hang out with.Don't use people. To pursue a relationship like that is why we have friends in screwed up unhealthy relationships that end a year past due. It creates messed up attachments, a reliance on someone to help you stand. A lover is not there just to fix you, or carry you, or ensure you don't feel lonely. Love is about feeding a togetherness, admiring someone and being as selfless as you are selfish.
