A few weeks ago, I was in casual conversation with another student at UD who I've known since I've been on campus. I usually don't read into many things they say because I know how much they overdo it. But then they chose to say: "Wow, maybe I should just cut and kill myself and then I'd have an excuse."

Your reaction is also mine...excuse my language, but what in the actual fuck does one say to that? I, for one, said nothing at all. I used my ~skills~ and just walked away entirely from the conversation. I felt in that moment more misunderstood and ignored than I have in awhile.

Those who self-harm, in my own personal opinion, do not want to be doing this for the rest of their lives. They don't want to have to hide scars and worry about people saying something about the ones that they just can't hide anymore. They don't want to have to worry about warm weather coming soon and where they can harm themselves during the warm months.

Self-harm is a scary part of life.

But then, you came along again. I was minding my own business, living my own life with obvious scars on my body from the times where the demons won against my mind. There are hundreds of them. Hundreds of reminders of the battles I have lost and will never win.

When you walked up to me with a group of your friends and told me, "Horizontal is for attention, vertical is for results," my heart sunk to the bottom of my being and I was in shock at what I had heard. My face immediately turned red and I left before you said anything else.

I remember the first time I heard someone say that to me. I was waiting to speak with my high school teacher after school one afternoon while he was talking with another older student. They were joking about the "cut for Bieber" situation that had just happened around 6 months earlier.

They both looked at each other and then looked at me and said "Remember, horizontal is for attention, vertical is for results."

What I want you to know? Your words hurt. To be in enough pain to cause that kind of hurt to oneself is heart wrenching. And nothing, not even a single time one picks up the blade, is ever for attention.

But let me also say this: if it IS for attention, that's ok too. Because to be so alone, hurt, and ignored to want to cut yourself to get someone else to see your pain is something worth speaking about, too. There's no valid or right reason for self-harm and no one reason is greater than another.

I do not do this because it's something that I want to live with. I do not do this because I want to have to worry about my 4 year old cousin asking me about the cuts or because I want people to stare at me during class like they do. I do not do this to have to worry and google "how to heal an infected wound" at 2 in the morning.

I do this because I am hurting so bad all the time and I feel like I can't tell anyone. I do this because my emotional pain is so great that I have to make it physical so that people can believe me.

Telling someone who's already in a sensitive place that "vertical is for results" and "horizontal is for attention" is only ignorance. It could be that one comment that pushes someone over the edge.

I am aware that those who care about me feel hurt or upset when I come around with new scars and open wounds. I am aware that the impact of the scar is not just on me, but on those around me. I am aware of many things but I don't need you to tell me about how I should act or conduct myself with an issue as serious as this.

Be mindful. Be aware of how your words can impact someone else around you. Learn about things that may make you uncomfortable.

To the man who told me these things, you hurt me. You still hurt me. But maybe someday you'll learn so that others won't have to deal with the impact of your ignorance.