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8 Narcissistic Thoughts You Definitely Have As An Avid Self-Tanner

Self-tan, also known as the knockoff version of actually going outside when the sun is out.

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ross geller tan

In This Article:

Hi my name is Emily and I am an avid self-tanner. While typically admitting is the first step to solving the problem, I can say with certainty that my self-tanning habits are not actually problematic. My show of the summer is decisively "100% Hotter" in which three stylists take in the UK's most aggressively overdressed and give them make-unders with the goal of doubling their public rating.

Every other person the Style Team works with on the show has the problem of "uses too much fake tan" and while at first, I panicked thinking I would have to do some self-aware remodeling, I realized very quickly that my habits were not even close to warranting my nomination for the show (they made one woman try to paint a wall with her weekly amount of fake tanning lotion and she painted the whole thing).

While I have never and will definitely never get that bad, I also have such a problem with looking like Oliver Twist (not a child actor living large in 2005 Hollywood, by the way, but a Vitamin D deprived boy on the streets of England circa 1830). And so, while so many of the make-under cases quit fake tanning cold turkey, I persist and continue to swear by my Neutrogena micromist spray.

I'm definitely not the only self-tanner, I might be one of the most narcissistic. Even so, I'm really just here to say what we're all thinking.

1. I still have to rub in the spray, don’t I?

Splotchy to smooth!

Emily Sharp

The big selling point of self-tanning sprays are that it's no rub and goes on all over.

This is a lie.

Of course you have to rub in fake tan! Otherwise you have one clean line of blinding pale skin down your leg, drawing the eyes away from your gorgeous new glow towards The One Area That Got Away.

2. What am I going to wear tomorrow that this won’t ruin?

One of the many heavy tanners on "100% Hotter" who complained that it would get all over her clothes.

http://www.allthatsnews.com/articles/society/woman-gets-extreme-makeover-after-years-trying-look-barbie-photos

You really can't wear white for a few days after you self-tan because even though it "dries" in "5 minutes" (not true, by the way) that doesn't stop the tan from rubbing off on everything you own for a soft 2-4 business days.

3. Did I get my back well? Do I really care about my back?

The only time I've seen an even back self-tan.

https://www.freeindex.co.uk/profile(mobile-spray-tanning)_216942.htm

Somethings in this life are just out of our reach, like marrying into the British Royal Family if you're a late-Millennial/ Gen Z-er or the center of one's back when you're self-tanning. The smartest thing to do in situations like these when you realize your shortcomings is, despite every motivational speech ever, to just give up. Cut your losses. No one has really cared about others' backs since Caesar and Brutus.

4. Oh no… Now I have to switch my workout class

#relatable

https://www.allure.com/story/teen-cries-spray-tan

My biggest fear in this lifetime (ps this is exaggerated) is working out too soon after I tan and having the sweat lines branded into my face. There's a very delicate art to scheduling both spin classes and fake tans so that one does not impede the full effects of the other, and sometimes it hits you as you're rubbing in your legs that you're signed up to ride at 9 am the next day... and that just won't do.

5. I should make a playlist for doing this

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/162200024052966286/

I almost exclusively self-tan late right before bed so that the chemicals I'm rubbing into my skin will work their magic while I sleep and I can wake up glowing. Even if I didn't tan in the dark of night when everyone within a 20 mile radius is dead asleep, self-tanning is a very personal task and it can get a bit lonely.

6. This is such a good playlist for doing this!

She did that.

https://open.spotify.com/user/1295459016/playlist/7BdlXaVJNzb191tdIjWEjm?si=ItTjRy3ASdGmbbLFrKn5lA

I 100% took my own advice and made a mix of soft tunes to keep me company

7. Wow, this takes so long to dry

Selfie I took recently

https://www.pinterest.com/airtan/yikes-spray-tan-nightmares/?lp=true

Every bottle of self-tanner promotes that it is super quick drying, taking only 5 minutes then you can put your clothes back on!

No.

Let's be real here: it's 5 minutes of standing under an overhead fan before you grow frustrated and turn to setting your hairdryer on cool and hovering it over your skin while you stare into the void.

8. Did I put on too much?

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/09/05/self-tanning-five-signs-it-s-all-gone-wrong_n_7332490.html?guccounter=1

Just so we're clear: the answer to this is pretty much always "yes" so the smart thing to do a couple of hours after your tan (ex. if you tan at night, when you wake up in the morning) is to shower the excess off. This also allows you to scrub off any splotchy spots too before you ever see the general public light of day.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Adulting

6 Unrealistic Expectations Society Has For Young Adults

Don't let the thesaurus-inspired vocabularies in our résumés fool you. We're actually just big kids.

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boy in adult clothes

Well over four feet tall and 100 pounds in weight, many of us "young adults" of the world still consider ourselves children. Big, working, college-attending, beer-drinking children. We may live on our own, know how to cook noodles, and occasionally use a planner, but don't be fooled; the youthful tendencies that reside within us still make their way into our daily lives. From choosing to stay up until 3:00 a.m. playing video games on a school night to going out in 30 degree weather without a coat, we still make decisions that our parents and grandparents would shake their heads at in disappointment. So why are we expected to know exactly how to be a wise, professional, sensible adult? It's not that we're irresponsible (for the most part, anyway). It's that we are young, inexperienced, and still have the sought-after, enthusiastic mentality that we can do and be whatever we want, which has not yet been tarnished by the reality of the world. These are just a few of the unrealistic expectations that society has for young adults.

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There are a lot of foods in this world, but there is only one dish that stands above the rest: Pizza. If you're close to me or at least know who I am, then you know that I'm totally obsessed with pizza. It's one of my favorite things to eat and I will NEVER turn down a slice, even if it doesn't have my favorite toppings. There isn't a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about pizza. I even sleep with a pizza pillow every night! There are many reasons why pizza stands above all other foods, and here are just a couple reasons why.

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1. You don't have to feel guilty about flirting with customers for tips (or just for shits and giggles).

2. You can be obnoxiously flirtatious with anyone you want. You are free to be that girl that flirts with everybody and makes 'em all smile (it's especially fun when the guy is as cute as Collin Jost). No shame.

3. Making random men nervous with your superior beauty and intense eye contact just for the hell of it is really amusing and empowering.

4. No one gives two poops if ya legs are hairy (your man shouldn't either but *Kermit the Frog meme* That's none of my business)

5. The toilet seat will remain down.

6. There's more money to spend on yourself.

7. There's always this secret butterfly in your tummy that marvels at the possibility that when you go out this weekend you're gonna meet someone super handsome/wonderful/prince-like and have this moment of dazzling dalliance.

8. Nothing is that serious...you can take it all with a grain of salt...you don't owe anybody anything.

9. You can dance with anyone and everyone...or no one (Hello frat boi w/ glasses, I see you).

10. You don't have to fluff anyone's ego but your own.

11. Free drinks and dinners from single guys (It's not taking advantage if they're offering; a girl's gotta eat).

12. You have more time to learn how to love and improve yourself rather than constantly pouring your energy into another person.

13. You don't have to sacrifice your cheesy Jen Aniston rom-coms and Gilmore Girls for his Fast and Furious/other dumb action movie featuring blonde that is only in the movie to supply a relationship to the male lead and to make him look more masculine/empowered in juxtaposition (In other words, you don't have to deal with a guy being a crabby Patty while you watch your cute movies).

14. You can daydream about what your future husband may be doing right now (and not get stressed/guilty out because you're not picturing your current boyfriend that's crazy about you as your future husband).

15. There is more time to be spent with your girlfriends.

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We've all been there - you've been saying since Tuesday after French that this weekend is the weekend. You're finally going to break out those new heels and actually put on eyeliner on and make this Friday night be one for the memory books! That is, of course, until Girls Night Out turned into...Girls Night In.

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What Is Your Zodiac GIF?

Characteristics of the astrological signs, explained through GIFS.

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zodiac
Wordpress

Whether you believe astrology is a legitimate "science" or not, we have all found ourselves looking at our horoscopes from time to time. The 12 astrological signs all fall under one of four elements: air, water, earth, or fire. Air signs are rational, social, and love to communicate with others. Water signs are are emotional, intuitive, and mysterious. Fire signs tend to be passionate, creative, and adventurous. Earth signs are conservative, realistic, and loyal.

Each sign is determined by the relative positions of celestial bodies to ourselves at our moment of birth, which is said to influence our personalities. Find your zodiac GIF below, based on the traits and characteristics provided by each sign.

***Disclaimer: GIFS are meant to be lighthearted and are based on descriptions of signs from http://www.astrology-zodiac-signs.com/.

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