8 Narcissistic Thoughts You Definitely Have As An Avid Self-Tanner

8 Narcissistic Thoughts You Definitely Have As An Avid Self-Tanner

Self-tan, also known as the knockoff version of actually going outside when the sun is out.

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Hi my name is Emily and I am an avid self-tanner. While typically admitting is the first step to solving the problem, I can say with certainty that my self-tanning habits are not actually problematic. My show of the summer is decisively "100% Hotter" in which three stylists take in the UK's most aggressively overdressed and give them make-unders with the goal of doubling their public rating.

Every other person the Style Team works with on the show has the problem of "uses too much fake tan" and while at first, I panicked thinking I would have to do some self-aware remodeling, I realized very quickly that my habits were not even close to warranting my nomination for the show (they made one woman try to paint a wall with her weekly amount of fake tanning lotion and she painted the whole thing).

While I have never and will definitely never get that bad, I also have such a problem with looking like Oliver Twist (not a child actor living large in 2005 Hollywood, by the way, but a Vitamin D deprived boy on the streets of England circa 1830). And so, while so many of the make-under cases quit fake tanning cold turkey, I persist and continue to swear by my Neutrogena micromist spray.

I'm definitely not the only self-tanner, I might be one of the most narcissistic. Even so, I'm really just here to say what we're all thinking.

1. I still have to rub in the spray, don’t I?

Splotchy to smooth!

Emily Sharp

The big selling point of self-tanning sprays are that it's no rub and goes on all over.

This is a lie.

Of course you have to rub in fake tan! Otherwise you have one clean line of blinding pale skin down your leg, drawing the eyes away from your gorgeous new glow towards The One Area That Got Away.

2. What am I going to wear tomorrow that this won’t ruin?

One of the many heavy tanners on "100% Hotter" who complained that it would get all over her clothes.

http://www.allthatsnews.com/articles/society/woman-gets-extreme-makeover-after-years-trying-look-barbie-photos

You really can't wear white for a few days after you self-tan because even though it "dries" in "5 minutes" (not true, by the way) that doesn't stop the tan from rubbing off on everything you own for a soft 2-4 business days.

3. Did I get my back well? Do I really care about my back?

The only time I've seen an even back self-tan.

https://www.freeindex.co.uk/profile(mobile-spray-tanning)_216942.htm

Somethings in this life are just out of our reach, like marrying into the British Royal Family if you're a late-Millennial/ Gen Z-er or the center of one's back when you're self-tanning. The smartest thing to do in situations like these when you realize your shortcomings is, despite every motivational speech ever, to just give up. Cut your losses. No one has really cared about others' backs since Caesar and Brutus.

4. Oh no… Now I have to switch my workout class

#relatable

https://www.allure.com/story/teen-cries-spray-tan

My biggest fear in this lifetime (ps this is exaggerated) is working out too soon after I tan and having the sweat lines branded into my face. There's a very delicate art to scheduling both spin classes and fake tans so that one does not impede the full effects of the other, and sometimes it hits you as you're rubbing in your legs that you're signed up to ride at 9 am the next day... and that just won't do.

5. I should make a playlist for doing this

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/162200024052966286/

I almost exclusively self-tan late right before bed so that the chemicals I'm rubbing into my skin will work their magic while I sleep and I can wake up glowing. Even if I didn't tan in the dark of night when everyone within a 20 mile radius is dead asleep, self-tanning is a very personal task and it can get a bit lonely.

6. This is such a good playlist for doing this!

She did that.

https://open.spotify.com/user/1295459016/playlist/7BdlXaVJNzb191tdIjWEjm?si=ItTjRy3ASdGmbbLFrKn5lA

I 100% took my own advice and made a mix of soft tunes to keep me company

7. Wow, this takes so long to dry

Selfie I took recently

https://www.pinterest.com/airtan/yikes-spray-tan-nightmares/?lp=true

Every bottle of self-tanner promotes that it is super quick drying, taking only 5 minutes then you can put your clothes back on!

No.

Let's be real here: it's 5 minutes of standing under an overhead fan before you grow frustrated and turn to setting your hairdryer on cool and hovering it over your skin while you stare into the void.

8. Did I put on too much?

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/09/05/self-tanning-five-signs-it-s-all-gone-wrong_n_7332490.html?guccounter=1

Just so we're clear: the answer to this is pretty much always "yes" so the smart thing to do a couple of hours after your tan (ex. if you tan at night, when you wake up in the morning) is to shower the excess off. This also allows you to scrub off any splotchy spots too before you ever see the general public light of day.

Cover Image Credit:

Warner Bros. TV

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Why High School Musicals Should Be As Respected As Sports Programs Are

The arts are important, too.
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When I was in middle school and high school, I felt like I lived for the musicals that my school orchestrated.

For those of you who don't know, a musical is an onstage performance wherein actors take on roles that involve singing, and often dancing, to progress the plot of the story. While it may sound a little bit nerdy to get up in front of an audience to perform in this manner, this is something you cannot knock until you try it.

For some reason, though, many public schools have de-funded arts programs that would allow these musicals to occur, while increasing the funding for sports teams. There are a few things that are being forgotten when sports are valued more than musical programs in high schools.

Much like athletic hobbies, an actor must try-out, or audition, to participate in a musical. Those best suited for each role will be cast, and those who would not fit well are not given a part. While this may sound similar to trying out for say, basketball, it is an apples to oranges comparison.

At a basketball try-out, those who have the most experience doing a lay-up or shooting a foul shot will be more likely to succeed, no questions asked. However, for an audition, it is common to have to learn a piece of choreography upon walking in, and a potential cast member will be required to sing a selected piece with only a few days of preparation.

There are many more variables involved with an audition that makes it that much more nerve-racking.

The cast of a school musical will often rehearse for several months to perfect their roles, with only several nights of performance at the end. Many sports practice for three or four days between each of their respective competitions. While this may seem to make sports more grueling, this is not always the case.

Musicals have very little pay-off for a large amount of effort, while athletic activities have more frequent displays of their efforts.

Athletes are not encouraged to but are allowed to make mistakes. This is simply not allowed for someone in a musical, because certain lines or entrances may be integral to the plot.

Sometimes, because of all the quick changes and the sweat from big dance numbers, the stage makeup just starts to smear. Despite this, an actor must smile through it all. This is the part of musicals that no sport has: introspection.

An actor must think about how he or she would respond in a given situation, be it saddening, maddening, frightening, or delightful. There is no sport that requires the knowledge of human emotion, and there is especially no sport that requires an athlete to mimic such emotion. This type of emotional exercise helps with communications and relationships.

Sports are great, don't get me wrong. I loved playing volleyball, basketball, track, and swimming, but there were no experiences quite like those from a musical. Sports challenge the body with slight amounts of tactic, while musicals require much physical and mental endurance.

The next time you hear someone say that it's “just a musical," just remember that musicals deserve as much respect as sports, since they are just as, if not more demanding.

Cover Image Credit: Cincinnati Arts

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10 Shows To Watch If You're Sick Of 'The Office'

You can only watch it so many times...

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"The Office" is a great show, and is super easy to binge watch over and over again! But if you're like me and you're looking for something new to binge, why not give some of these a try? These comedies (or unintentional comedies) are a great way to branch out and watch something new.

1. "New Girl"

A show about a group of friends living in an apartment in a big city? Sound familiar? But seriously, this show is original and fresh, and Nick Miller is an icon.

2. "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

Ya'll have been sleeping on this show. It's a musical comedy about a girl that follows her ex boyfriend across the country. I thought it sounded horrible so I put it off for WAY too long, but then I realized how incredible the cast, music, writing, and just EVERYTHING. It really brings important issues to light, and I can't say too much without spoiling it. Rachel Bloom (the creator of the show) is a woman ahead of her time.

3. "Jane the Virgin"

I know... another CW show. But both are so incredible! Jane The Virgin is a tongue-in-cheek comedy and parody of telenovelas. It has so many twists and turns, but somehow you find yourself laughing with the family.

4. "Brooklyn Nine-Nine"

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Brooklyn Nine-Nine has been in popular news lately since its cancellation by Fox and sequential pickup by NBC. It's an amazing show about cops in, you guessed it, Brooklyn. Created by the amazing Michael Schur, it's a safe bet that if you loved "The Office" you'll also love his series "Brooklyn Nine-Nine".

5. "The Good Place"

Another series created by the talented Micael Schur, it's safe to say you've probably already heard about this fantasy-comedy series. With a wonderful cast and writing that will keep you on your toes, the show is another safe bet.

6. "Fresh Off The Boat"

Seriously, I don't know why more people don't watch this show. "Fresh Off The Boat" focuses on an Asian family living in Orlando in the mid 90s. Randall Parks plays a character who is the polar opposite of his character in "The Interview" (Yeah, remember that horrifying movie?) and Constance Wu is wonderful as always.

7. "Full House"

Why not go back to the basics? If you're looking for a nostalgic comedy, go back all the way to the early days of Full House. If you're a '98-'00 baby like me, you probably grew up watching the Tanner family on Nick at Night. The entire series is available on Hulu, so if all else fails just watch Uncle Jesse and Rebecca fall in love again or Michelle fall off a horse and somehow lose her memory.

8. "Secret Life of the American Teenager"

Okay, this show is not a comedy, but I have never laughed so hard in my life. It's off Netflix but it's still on Hulu, so you can watch this masterpiece there. Watch the terrible acting and nonsense plot twists drive this show into the ground. Somehow everyone in this school dates each other? And also has a baby? You just have to watch. It might be my favorite show of all time.

9. "Scrubs"

Another old show that is worth watching. If you ignore the last season, Scrubs is a worthwhile medical comedy about doctors in both their personal and medical life. JD and Turk's relationship is one to be jealous of, and one hilarious to watch. Emotional at times, this medical drama is superior to any medical drama that's out now.

10. "Superstore"

I was resistant to watch this one at first, because it looked cheesy. But once I started watching I loved it! The show is a workplace comedy, one you're sure to love if you can relate to working in retail. If you liked the Office, you'll like Superstore!

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