I can remember the confusion I felt vividly, as I heard the words come out of her mouth. She was my nutritionist at the time, but more importantly, she was someone I looked up to in terms of my recovery. I had talked to her about some struggles I had been having with my eating cycle. I justified it with, "but I'll always struggle with this". She stopped me before I could say the anything else. She said, "No, you won't".
I was so disturbed by this concept. How could someone actually tell me that one day this cycle will break and I won't live with this demon any more? Looking back, I realize that was the heartache of my previous efforts speaking.
Since I was flustered, I did what any capable young woman would do. I called my mom.
I told my mom what happened and what she said shocked me. She said, "okay, but what if that does happen?" Immediately, I approached the stand to take defense. Fortunately for my argument, I lived in self-loathing and hopelessness, so I already had every reason to believe I would never live without this ready to go. She asked, "do you want to live without your eating disorder?" Slightly pissed at the woman, I answered, "yes". She said, "what's the harm in just saying that one day, you will?" I had no protests. The lady had a point. She always has a point.
Even if I didn't believe it was true, I knew I could at least say it out loud. That was easy enough for me. It certainly wasn't benefiting me to live in the mindset that I would never win this battle. There's no advantage to believing you will lose a game that you're still in.
I decided to take my mom's advice. I began waking up every day and saying, whether I meant it or not, "I am one day closer to healing".
It didn't happen overnight. There were many moments I said to force myself to say those words. But overtime, I saw something incredible happen. Not only did I start to believe in a healing for myself. I hoped for more. For the first time, I saw more than just a recovery. I saw myself thriving, in spite of my battle with bulimia.
Have you been accepting defeat in your battle? You're still in it! When it comes to believing you can still win, ask yourself this one question: what do you have to lose?
Start claiming your victory. Even if you can't see how it could ever be true. The words we say are so powerful. Your mind will begin to believe it.
