When I was little, I remember wanting blonde hair and blue eyes. I can see myself sitting on my yellow school bus, near the middle and closer to the back, looking out the window. At the time, I wanted to be someone different. This was when I didn't have friends that mattered, friends that uplifted me the way that I uplifted them.
I love myself now because I grew up. It took a while. Because of my likes and dislikes, I was often called an "Oreo" because I didn't like the things that typical black kids in my school did. I wasn't much of a fan of Jordans (though I am now), I liked anime, and I listened to K-POP (all of which I still do, though K-POP pretty much dominates my life). I hung out with everyone, but I didn't really know myself. My opinions were formed based on what others thought, and I stayed quiet on different things, occasionally speaking out.
I didn't care about my character or my culture. I didn't care about the issues that were plaguing my people or noticing the subtle yet discriminatory attitudes based on the fact that I'm lighter-skinned. Yes, I was ecstatic about the fact that there was a black president, but the implications of that didn't cross my mind or I just didn't listen. I hid parts of myself from the world because I was afraid that I wouldn't be liked or accepted.
Maybe that's just how I perceived myself at the time.
When I became a UNCW Seahawk, I found my wings -- pun intended. I found a little niche for myself and made many new friends, friends that I'm certain I will keep for the rest of my life. I didn't mind that I was a minority because no one made me feel that way. I felt accepted and loved, encouraged to grow. I learned that it was OK to be yourself because the people that truly loved you didn't care.
UNCW is where I found myself. Though I made true friends in high school, UNCW is where I really grew up. I accepted my blackness, I accepted my nerdiness, and I accepted my need for isolation at certain times. I also accepted that I have problems, such as thinking that I'm a burden and not wanting to text people for fear that I'm bothering them. But you know what? That's fine. People that know me know that I prefer face-to-face conversation, they're well aware that I'm an introvert.
Learning to love yourself is hard. It requires you to look deep into yourself and consider what you're doing and how you're acting. It requires you to question yourself - is this really what I want to do with my life? Is this really how I feel about this issue? It also requires you to look at the world around you and see it for what it is. And if you feel bad about finding your love for yourself, please remember that it isn't wrong. Britt Nicole's song "Gold" said it best: "Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold."
