Self-esteem is a crazy thing. What is it, really? The entire concept of it is completely unfair. This one thing determines the way you go about every single feat in your life. How confident you are, how trustful you are, how faithful you are, how happy you are, are all dependent upon it. If it were up to me, I'd never let any single entity have that much control over my every move, besides my parents of course, but-- that isn't really my choice either.
Even the things that you never thought to doubt can start fading away with enough wear and tear, things you never even gave a second thought to before.
The continuous push and pull can start to shred the pieces of you that you thought to be whole, throwing you into a cycle of doubt and despair.
It's quite disillusioning actually. How, in what seems a split second, you belong nowhere, to nothing, to no one. You are surrounded by people who care, yet completely alone, blinded by your own delusions.
You thought you looked perfectly okay, but you suddenly feel the need to look at yourself again, and then again.
You thought you were worth it, but you start to feel like you're too much, incapable of love, or any sort of connection.
You thought you belonged, but you start to question what you mean to your loved ones, you start to wonder if you even matter.
You stand in front of the mirror and stare into your tired and lifeless eyes, your face absent of expression.
You smile because maybe if you fake it, you'll make it. Maybe if you pretend it's okay, it'll go away, or hurt a little less.
You strive to see the beauty in you that you used to, to remember your dreams and aspirations, but at that moment, it's all gone, nowhere to be found.
Self-esteem issues are horribly blurry and mind-numbingly complex. A cancer of the psyche, if you will. Your mind turns against you, causing your unreasonable doubts to eat you alive, clouding your view of the world and everything in it.
You see yourself in a way, that no one else does, and no one can know how that feels, but you.
So you're stuck with these issues that define the way you go about your daily life. And the only person that you have to counterargue your mind is-- you guessed it, yourself. In a phenomenon where you are both your worst enemy and greatest friend, the lines become difficult to differentiate. Things seem hopeless, and impossible.
But they don't have to be.
Self-affirmation is tiresome but so essential for our survival. If we don't advocate for ourselves, then who will? The world is a terrible place. An absolute shithole. People? Even worse than the world they inhabit. There are truly some evil ones out there. Nothing about bringing yourself up is easy in any way. This isn't to say that, "here's a magical solution to what seems to be the source of all of our worries!" It has taken everything in my soul to not shrivel up and turn to dust with the amount of pushing and shoving I've had to overcome to get to where I am in my life at this moment. But holding on to the good in my life no matter what, and trusting that I deserve greatness, that I deserve the best, that is what gets me through it all. I'd be grasping a shred of hope, but it would be mine.
So hold on to what you deserve, and nothing-- no one will dare to take it away from you.
Keep breathing.
Love,
T
