I remember going to the mall one day with a friend of mine, completely set on the idea of watching her shop and me not pulling out my wallet once. By the time I left the mall that day, I had transferred about half of my savings into my checking account so that I could spend it, and let's just say I could hear my future self in that exact moment a few weeks later wondering how I was going to pay for gas and thinking back to that day at the mall — what in the hell was I thinking??
One day, I just got tired of it, and instead of just brushing off the sting of betrayal I felt at myself for not keeping my own promises, I decided to do some self-reflection. This time, I didn't ask why I spent so much, I asked how I felt after I spent so much. Before this moment, I had never understood the concept of shopping as a "therapy." But when I analyzed that moment when I walked out of the store with my arms full of bags, I felt — adored. Loved. And a sense of independence that was much more gratifying than when my boyfriend or family members took me to the mall. I also looked at the things I bought — books, scented candles, and a couple of DVDs. I remember my train of thought when buying each of these items. It always started with something like "Oh, this is just what I need/have wanted for a while" or "I've been looking for this forever!". All of these thoughts had a commonality in them — they were supposed to provide some type of comfort in my down time. That's when I realized that shopping for me was the equivalent of comfort food – good when you were going through a bad breakup, which you’ll regret in the morning when you have a stomachache. The books, the candles, the dress, the jewelry, and the DVDs all provided me with a distraction or a temporary relief from the constant stress that plagues me, a senior/grad-student-doing-an-internship-and-wondering-how-she-is-going-to-pay-for-college-next-year. In particular, I remember when buying the candles that I had read somewhere that scented candles were known to reduce stress because they gave off a soothing scent (in reality, they just made my room smell pretty).
Once I understood my psychology behind the actions a little better, I was able to act accordingly. One thing I have come to find is that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. For example, I have a really high emotional intelligence, but I’m also bad at math. That’s just the way I am, and so whenever I go to the store, I make sure that my phone is charged so I can add use the little calculator as I shop.
It’s the same thing with the mall. I realize that my self-control is compromised by my high level of stress right now and I really don’t have the time or patience to keep putting myself through the ordeal of shopping when I don’t have the money. I also only go shopping when I absolutely have to. Out of sight out of mind really helps me, as I know it does a lot of people. When I worked at Target, for example, I cannot tell you how many people came in that store saying they were only going to buy one or two things, and then get to the register and put half of the stuff back or solemnly hand over their credit card looking like they subconsciously know they are going to regret it later. Thankfully, I’m not the one who buys food for the house, but I do have needs of my own. I realized this winter, for example, that I have no formal dress shoes to wear, only booties that don’t really match with the suits I have, and I would need formal dress when I went on interviews.
The week before a big interview I had, I went into Jersey Gardens Mall so single-mindedly set on not looking, touching, or even entertaining the thought of going into another store that was not Famous Footwear. I was so proud of myself that I went through that mall and only bought what I came for, bypassing all of sparkly jewelry kiosks and tempting dresses I saw in the windows. I realized that giving myself credit when credit was due was also important. It affirmed that I was making a conscious effort to have more self-control, and encouraged me to work harder.
Point is, I’m becoming more self-aware, which is greatly increasing my self-discipline, which saves my pocketbook a couple of unnecessary heart attacks. I’m more frugal, more likely to question why I want/need something, rather than just keep on “treating myself.”
Because of self-awareness, I’ve also found a cure for that whole love/affection thing I felt after shopping. I like knowing that I’m spending my money on me, but really, shopping cannot be the only form of self-love. And so now, for one hour each day, I take a breather to do something totally mindless and non-work related. It really helps with the stress, helps to remind myself that I’m not just a machine who works all of the time, even if what I am doing is fun to a nerdy English major like myself (like reading gothic literature or analyzing Freud). Doing something one hour a day is really important for me because it reminds me that I am not just my career or my work – I’m also a normal human being who is beginning to accept that it’s okay to watch mindless YouTube videos that makes me laugh - and has absolutely nothing to do with my day to day life whatsoever.
How about you? Are there instances where self-awareness has helped you??
