College has allowed me to do a lot of self-reflecting, and it's been a very humbling journey so far. Coming into college, I believed that I would be that smart kid in class and that girl who knew had it all together, but it's tough -- it really is.
I do consider myself "smart," and I've always seen that as part of my identity and so do my peers. Because of this, I get frustrated with myself when I cannot live up to my and their expectations. I often say to myself, "If only I studied a little more...", "What if I had checked over my work more carefully before I handed in the test paper...", and "Why can't I be more like her?"
I have a lot of doubts, and I question my capabilities. There are weeks where it feels nearly impossible to juggle my academics, relationships, and emotions. The question comes to be which is the priority at the moment. I often blame myself for not having better time management and for not doing my best at the moment because there is always something that I could have done differently.
It's taken me a while to realize that not every day is going to be a good day, and life, more often than not, is chaotic. I shouldn't put so much stress on myself to the point where it becomes unhealthy. I'm learning to appreciate the things that I'm doing right now, what I have accomplished thus far and the group of people that I can turn to for support.
I know that I am capable, and I've come to be more patient with myself especially at this time and age. I've accepted that things don't occur spontaneously and that hard work needs to be put in. Sometimes, I may not get the end result that I want, but hey, that's life. Instead of bombarding myself with the if-onlys and what-ifs, I now tell myself to bounce back then blast off.