Three weeks ago, I had my second seizure of a lifetime. Since then, my life has been a twisted rollercoaster that in many ways managed to make me frightened and nauseous, yet at the same time I do not want it to end. As of right now, my heart is thankfully still beating and my breathing is fine, so the rollercoaster still goes on — but faster.
Allow me to make it clear that neither my parents nor doctors know for sure why I’ve been having seizures. I personally did not know exactly what a seizure was since last September when I woke up in an ambulance truck, not knowing my name or the president of the United States. But now that I have prepared myself for the seizures and with the emotional baggage that comes with them, I have become more confident in who I am. I talked to one of my dear friends about this, and she told me that my seizures are not all that I am, and I most definitely agree. However, I do believe that what happened has made me discover some of my weaknesses.
When I was younger, I liked to believe that I was invincible. Who can blame me? I have a wild imagination, and I take pride in that. But I am not invincible. I am human, and that is all I ever will be.
AND THAT IS OKAY.
As I grow older, my limitations will become more evident, and it is my duty to try my best to overcome them. I have noticed that in order to avoid the struggle of confronting my frailties, I overthink things that may possibly lead me to them — such as my seizures. However, overthinking about potential seizures was not the enemy after all. The lack of action on my part to confront these cynical beliefs is what truly caused the chain of negativity to swirl in my head. Thankfully, I was able to overcome it and manage to become more proficient with myself and what I truly fear.
I am still learning about myself, but here are some of the things that I take pride in being afraid of:
- FAILURE. I know for this one, I do not stand alone. The thought of failing at anything makes me want to crumble and give up on everything. When I say this it sounds over-dramatic and insane, yet it makes perfect sense to me.
- DEATH. I like my life the way it is — why would I want it to end? Nobody knows what happens when people pass away, and while it sure is a thought, there is no rush to find out.
- ISOLATION. I enjoy my alone time every once in a while, but I get scared of being trapped in my own thoughts for too long. I can drive myself crazy sometimes.
- BEES. Honestly, I don’t know why. I’ve never been stung by a bee and I don’t plan on it any time soon.
Much like the rollercoaster of life, the list goes on. It is one of the many components that keeps it running. So like I said before, it is okay to be afraid. It is a part of living.
And life is good.
