After experiencing a disappointing first semester that left me feeling quite lonely and anxious about my future, I understood that in order to see the positive change I knew I wanted, I would need to proactively remind myself to think positively and practice ways to soothe myself.
I felt like I could pinpoint what was causing such an infiltration of negative thoughts but I was so overwhelmed by them and had no idea what the next step was for me in order to see results. Sitting alone in my dorm with my thoughts felt destructive, and I convinced myself that I had to keep them to myself because no one would understand, and I had to filter my thoughts whenever talking to my boyfriend for fear that they would be overwhelming to him.
Throughout my life, I was intimidated by the idea of seeing a therapist, and the stigma that I believed is associated with those who see one. I feared that I would be assigned a label and those whom I am closest to would treat me differently or feel the need to walk on eggshells around me. I have always been a resilient and independent person; I told myself that throughout my life I did not need one, and if I was able to remain mentally strong then, I should not need one now. My own pride prevented me from seeking the help I was not aware that I needed until all of my emotions seemed to hit a peak during college.
Finally concluding that I could not carry all of my emotional burdens by myself, I decided to be the second semester by visiting the counseling center at school, to have a casual discussion about my feeling and to seek methods to better my mental health. My first meeting made me realize how liberating it is to be able to spill the emotions I was afraid to admit out loud to a person I knew was not there to judge me. Even though the majority of the time was spent with me talking rather than her, more often than not, all we need is someone to listen and make us feel like we do not need to suffer in silence anymore.
After one meeting, I already felt a slightly less heavy weight off of my shoulders, and I was able to wake up in the morning feeling slightly more positive, rather than waking up and wanting to get the day over and done with. Although I still experience sparks of pain as I recall memories from my childhood that remind me of the struggles I have had to overcome, and I know that they will truly never go away, my therapist has helped me to accept them as they are, and appreciate the person I am because of them.
Rather than considering myself to be broken or unlovable as a result of how I have been affected by those struggles, I am becoming more patient with myself. I have realized that healing takes time and is a continuous process that I do not have to do all by myself. I believe that the human experience is all about how we overcome the physical and emotional burdens we are confronted with, and I am slowly beginning to accept that.
Seeing even the slightest change in my mindset, or knowing that I am able to talk myself out of a spiral is an empowering feeling that I know I can carry with me for the rest of my life. I am so thankful for my decision to place my pride aside and take that step towards self-love and improving my mental health by talking through my emotions with a counselor. Although life will continue to have great days and painful days, it is comforting to know that someone will always be there to help me find my strength again and remind me that expressing sadness is not a sign of weakness.
