I miss you. I miss you so much it's a little crushing when I think about it.
It has been about a year since you pass and from where I am now, it feels too close for comfort but shockingly distant to my mind. I've been turning over the events of July 17th, 2017, over and over over in my head, thinking about what occurred and what I was doing, where I was at, when we received the news. I went numb. I got up, walked towards the tree line and when I stepped into the forest, I took off running. I kept running until I came to a little gazebo, finally stopping there to cry and to let it sink in. That you were gone for good.
It has been about a year since you passed and I'm starting to heal, bit by bit. Writing helps, as it always had, to process the emotions and to keep my memories of you alive.
I never really got to truly tell you how I felt, even before the accident, so here it goes.
You were my first love, and we certainly had our splendid times. We had our wonderful times and our laughing times. We always had an endless amounts of goofy moments and jokes together. Yes, we had our bad, but what I remember most is your smile, your sparkling, joking blue eyes and your strong smile. You were the cheesiest, most klutzy and perfect guy I had met, a gentleman and a boy growing into a beautiful man all at once.
One of the first things you told me was your trip with your family to Hawaii. You got so excited talking about cliff jumping and hiking up the the volcanoes and seeing the ocean stretch out endlessly in front of your eyes. The idea of running off a cliff to potentially break every bone in your entire body in the ocean seemed to trigger a childlike giddiness in you, an emotional state of yours that I quickly came to love. You got this faraway look in your eye, like your mind was reliving the rush of adrenaline when you tumbled into the waters below. You loved adventure, like me, and you weren't scared of the unknown, like me. What a pair we were, huh?
Do you remember when we first met at the football game? Do you remember having our first date in Murphy Park, eating ice cream and shyly chatting away? Do you remember when we had our first kiss on the dance floor at freshman homecoming or when you showed me how you played guitar? Or when I came to watch you play hockey for the first time and how I tackled and hugged after you won, even though you seriously smelled like dirty gym socks? Do you remember when you ripped your pants on our garden fence and had to meet my dad with a giant hole in your crotch? Do you remember accidentally giving me three (three!!!!!) hickeys, or the tickle fights we had while watching "The Office" on Netflix?
I do. I remember it all. I remember you.
I remember being your friend. I remember loving you. I remember letting you go and watching you become the first inklings of the man I knew you were. I remember seeing you with her and I remember being happy for her, but most of all, happy for you and loving you still.
God, what I would do to give you one last hug. A hand on the shoulder, a kiss on the cheek even. You deserved everything. You deserved everything and so much more.
We started with a "hi" and ended with a "see you later." So see you later. I'll see you soon.